October 2007 Archives

*for those who have Googled here via the post title; the song is Breathe Me by Sia.

Just as well I phoned Chris before I got to the station. He had to work, so had to cancel. I should know really; everytime I arrange to meet Chris for whatever reason, something comes up and one of us has to cancel.

Today's silver linings are that I've been asked to do more hours tomorrow and Friday (originally I wasn't going to be working at all); Julie Ruin finally arrived.

Today's clouds: still no word from last week's interview and the more time that passes, the more I feel that I'm going to get the 'you would've got it, but the other person had a little more relevant experience' feedback; the flicker of hope about another thing I was hopeful might work out has fizzled out and died (I was deluding myself anyway); the black Irregular Choice shoes still haven't turned up. I'll go send the seller a message; she left my (positive) feedback a day or so ago.

And then I'm going to go to my room, turn up the music a bit and try to have a good cry, because I think that might be the only thing left for me to do. I really miss Steve.

The plan for today goes as follows: have a shower, dry off, get dressed. Sort out what I intend to wear this evening, as I'm taking it with me. Find appropriate recepticle to carry selected clothes. As per a phone call 20 minutes ago, I'm working at 12, not 2.30, so by the time I've got that sorted, it'll be time to go. After work, tear off to the station and either change on the train or at Central, I haven't worked out what will be easier yet. Of course, when I say Central, I mean in the ladies', not on the main concourse. Meet Chris. Drink Jack.

I hope I get some good news today, of any kind, as I currently feel sad and it's only going to get worse otherwise, which won't be a good combination with Jack and today's anniversary. Especially considering I don't actually own any waterproof mascara.

I'm going to start taking fingers off people who leave my bedroom door ajar. In the grand scheme of things, it's hardly important, but nothing irritates me more right now. I was browsing the available t-shirts at Threadless, but got bored halfway through. I looked at shoes on eBay, but there's nothing that makes my heart jump. Though I have now finally acheived a feedback rating of 10 (100% positive, naturally) which is borne of Hello Kitty earrings, a ring, a t-shirt and several pairs of shoes.

Anyway, in a last ditch attempt to try to cheer myself up a bit, I've ordered 2 orgy albums and a Genitorturers one. If I can distract myself with stuff long enough, maybe I'll forget all about the things that keep me awake at night. Other than the bronchitisy thing that has me coughing up... stuff for a couple of hours.

These arrived today, so were waiting for me when I got home. No photo I can take does them justice, so you'll have to take my word that they are unbelievably cute and fabulous. And still, I'm grumpy. It feels like things were going my way for a little bit there, but the universe realised it was a severe aberration, so has made moves to set things back to how they should be.

Between this and the amount of chocolate coated snacks I devoured last night, I think it's safe to say I'm a bit premestrual. Which is really bloody annoying (pardon the pun) because the 9/10 day period only finished a week ago.

Ah, bugger this. I'm going to go and lie down for a bit and hopefully do no lasting damage to my family this evening.

Tonight was focusing on the legal processes around rape. While I'm very pleased that the laws are changing and the legal system is improving in its treatment of survivors of sexual violence, there's still a long way to go. The conviction rate, of cases that get to court, is 9%. You'll have to use your imagination, as I can't really type a decent description of my reaction to this, other than I feel like beating my head off something very solid with sheer frustration. Seriously, if I have to go and speak to every single person in Scotland and help them to understand the realities of rape and sexual violence, I will. And I won't lay a finger on anyone, promise. But I'm getting pretty sure that I have to do something.

Also, I joined Bill Bailey and Patrick Stewart (amongst hundreds of others) and joined the Fawcett Society today.

So, first day back in gainful employment in, what, 6 months? I didn't realise just how much I missed it, or how much I use work to define myself. It's so nice to have a reason to get up in the morning, and know that I'm going to have stuff to do, and have lots of people to talk to. There's no time to sit about and get introspective. Everyone so far is really nice, and it's a nice atmosphere to work in. I'll wear different shoes tomorrow; the ones I wore today are nice and all, but I need heel grips for them.

So, yeah. It's good to be me just now. Except for the achy feet and legs from walking funny to stop my shoes falling off with every step.

You. Can. Only. Type. One. Word. No. Explanations.

1. Yourself? Floating.
2. Your significant other? Fantasy.
3. Your hair? Medusa.
4. Your mother? Trying.
5. Your father? Changing.
6. Your favourite item? Walkman.
7. Your dream last night? Odd.
8. Your favourite drink? Coffee.
9. Your dream car? E-type Jaguar.
10. The room you are in? Stuff.
11. Your ex? Which?
12. Your fear? Regrets.
13. What you want to be in 10 years? Home.
14. Who you hung out with last night? Me.
15. What you're not? Stupid.
16. Muffins? Cookies.
17. One of your wish list items? Bed.
18.The last thing you did? Bathroom.
19. What you are wearing? Jeans.
20. Your favourite weather? Changes.
21. Your favourite book? Chocolate.
22. The last thing you ate? Sweetie.
23. Your life? Curious.
24. Your mood? Positive.
25. Your body? Meh.
26. What are you thinking about right now? Phone.
27. Your car? Imaginary.
28. What are you doing at the moment? Meme.
39. Your summer? Huh?
30. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier.

Been awake (mostly) since about 6.30am. Or was it 5.30am? I can't remember, but I'd been dreaming about spiders, so waking seemed like a better idea. And subsequently, I've lost my sleeping mask. I'd shoved it up above my eyes, then dozed off again, and it's pinged off somewhere. I'm going to have to find it tonight; I'm finding it hard to sleep without it.

There was a really cute baby girl on the train yesterday afternoon. With her parents, obviously. Probably just as well, or I'd probably have claimed her as mine and run away with her. I've no idea how old she was, but she was at the strage of being able to hold up her head and look around with an expression of rapt curiosity at everything. I'm going to have to be very careful, or I might start thinking that I want children, and then that means I've got to find someone who I want to have children with, and who wants to have children with me. And, historically, I'm very good at that. Fiancé #1: Iain. Destroyed my self-esteem, hit me, mentally abused me, blamed being bullied as a child to adbicate his responsibility. I can't think of anything good now, certainly nothing that I'd want to have in a child's life. Fiancé #2: Ben. Lied about all kinds of things, from really stupid stuff to really important stuff. Thought I was most beautiful when I cried. Both of them, and thinking about it, most of my exes too, have liked me to have fragile self-esteem at best. Made them feel like a man or something, I dunno. Regardless of what effect that has on me, it's really not something I'd ever want to perpetuate into the next generation. If I have children, they will grow up in a feminist household, plain and simple. There's enough to be going on with, considering the heritability of depression. I don't want any potential children to grow up to think that it's some kind of weakness to exploit as much as I wouldn't want them to see it as some kind of crippling malady.

Anyway. Moving swiftly onward, I have the delight of the craft fair with Mum to look forward to, so had better go wash my hair and stuff. Hopefully, no-one will have unbelievably cute babies at the fair, or you might yet see me on tonight's news.

This morning it took a supreme effort to get out of bed and into the shower. Training on Saturdays starts at 10am, so to be there without getting all sweaty, I have to get the train at 8.50, so have to leave the house by 8.20ish (if I'm getting a lift, if it's the bus I have to be out by 7.30) so I have to be up by 7.50 in an ideal world. My alarm's set for 7.20 as a matter of course, though lately I'm not actually fully conscious until about 8.30. I tend to drift and doze for about an hour, listening to the Today program. This gives me odd dreams, which lately have involved abortion and Boris Johnson. Not in the same dream, I hasten to add. He had brown hair when I did dream about him though.

Anyway, I decided to stop in to Starbuck's on my way to the centre, and even treated myself to a biscotti, as I was feeling a little hungry and didn't think I'd make it to lunch. Maybe the extra item had something to do with it, or I just looked that tired, but the barista offered me free coffee. As in, a bag of ground coffee, for nothing. There are some things about me that can be counted on; I love quirky, pretty shoes, I will always love the music of the Smashing Pumpkins, I believe in feminism as much as some people believe in God (which people, you may ask. To which I say 'smart arse'.) and I will (almost) never say no to free coffee.

The training session today seemed to pass very quickly, maybe because we were all a bit more involved or something, I'm not sure. In the course of some group work, I spoke about my experience of being in an abusive realtionship. I feel a bit funny talking about it, I think that's because I'm not sure I want to focus on me while I'm there. But the subject came up; one of the girls was saying that she had no experience of dealing with women in abusive relationships and thought that she might feel frustrated when dealing with it. It seemed relevant to talk about it, because I guess I'd rather she asked any questions she thought might be too intrusive or ignorant of me, rather than a woman who was actually in that situation. I'm still a little wary of the discussions there might be around self-harm and suicide, but we'll see what happens if I find myself disclosing again. I'd never claim to be the font of knowledge about these subjects (hell, my knowledge of the Pumpkins isn't 100%. 99.98%, maybe) but I guess I could make my experience of these things 'available' to others. If it feels appropriate.

Anyway. I got home to find my t-Shirt from Threadless had finally arrived, along with the bank statement that tells me that, with the current exchange rate, it cost me £11.72. Now I just need to find an excuse to wear it. That might sound daft, but I mean where people will see it, not just while I'm loony dancing in my bedroom. I still have to find a reason to wear my gingham dress. Actually, dpending on how things are, I may have to impose upon a friend or two and have a drink or 2 on Wednesday night. At least one of those drinks has to be a shot of Jack. Steve would've liked the dress, so maybe there's my reason. I got an unexpected email when I got home. My starry shoes will be in the post on Monday, so should be with me by Wednesday. Still no clue when the black shoes or Julie Ruin will arrive though. Bah. I'd pout, but I have a little ulcer or something on the inside of my lower lip.

Just came across a blog that had me snorting tea up my nose. Specifically at this entry. I heard someone on the radio earlier who was taking about something (obviously) and she described something as 'literally' happening. I wish I could remember what that was, because it was bad enough that I recall talking back to the radio.

While Pilf and Fiatim are otherwise occupied, I'll just sit in my lonesome corner and make random sounds to myself, see if i can convince myself that I'm not alone... And do more memes based on music.

What is the first music you remember hearing?
The first thing I remember would be Two Lane Blacktop by Electrocute, on Monday there. I jest. It was probably The Muppets records we had when I was really little, so something like The Silly Song or Mahna, Mahna. However you spell it. Do do do doo...

Did you come from a musical family?
Nope. Mum had an acoustic guitar when she was about 16; Dad likes Panpipe Melodies. Need I say more?

Do you remember a lullaby from your childhood? If so, what is it?
No, if either of my parents sang to me, it was before I started remembering (so at least a month ago) or it was so horrifying that I've repressed it entirely. As a result, I don't really know any lullabies, so will have to sing Fiona Apple and the Smashing Pumpkins to my kids.

What song(s) changed your life?
Pretend We're Dead - L7 and Turn My Way - New Order come to mind first. My life changes regardless of what I'm listening to, so I can't think of any startlingly good examples.

If you could have dinner with three dead musicians which three would you choose and why?
Kurt Cobain, partly because I'm of the grunge generation and partly because he looks like someone you could have had a really intense conversation with, and still had a laugh. George Harrison, because he was (is?) my favourite Beatle. Isn't it sad that I can't think of any female musicians that would fit this bill? Ian Curtis, partly because I'd like to know what he thinks of New Order.

You are stranded on a deserted island. You are allowed the complete musical works of one band and its members. Which band or musician would you choose?
Do I really need to put in my answer? If you're reading this, there's a fair chance you've read other parts of my blog, so know the answer already. Smashing Pumpkins, if you haven't.

Does music play in your head? If so, what is playing right now?
All the time, sometimes the same song in a loop, so I have to be careful in shops and the like. Float On by Modest Mouse was the last thing I heard a bit of, so the guitar riff from that.

Can music truly soothe the savage breast? If so, what music soothes your breast?
Yup, music can completely change my mood. Any music, as long as it's something I like, can take me away from myself, which removes me from the savage breast for about 3 minutes; time enough for my breast to be soothed. Unfortunately only figuratively, I think they're on another growth spurt, so are still somewhat tender.

It's getting to be that time of year again. Pumpkins everywhere. Alas, not the band. This morning, while getting dressed and so on, I heard a report on Women's Hour about how churches are trying to use Hallowe'en to get bums on seats or something. According to them, Hallowe'en is about good and bad, blah blah blah. Wasn't anyone paying attention to the pagan rituals when they took them over for our lord?

There was an item on Reporting Scotland this evening about some weekend event involving some guy dressed up as someone who died at Culloden. Funny how his face was made up a greyish white but his hands were pinker than mine.

The Andy Williams song Spooky sounds good but, lyrically, is ridiculous. A woman changes her mind about seeing a movie with the author, and that's spooky?

They say that every second counts, but I treasure the ones with you.

-----

Behold, the power of Jane Says. Sitting on a train that smells like cheesy Wotsits were recently thrown up on it, rattling though the rain and the steel drums still manage to make it feel like summer in my head.

I have no idea how successful the interview will have been. Hopefully I'll get a good review at minimum. A job offer would be nice, and indeed very welcome, but between now and finding out, I have things to do. Tomorrow is more support skills training, Sunday I'm going to a craft fair with Mum and Monday's my first day at La Senza. And I have other stuff on my mind. Oh, happy day.

So, the plan is this. Get the train that will get me to Glasgow for about ten to one. Go to the interview. See if I can find a pair of black trousers that fit for Monday. Go home.

It might even happen like that, too.

I haven't looked at Hello Kitty Hell for a while now, but just stumbled upon this, which gives me pause when I think that I'll never get married.

In all honesty, I don't think I'd want a Hello Kitty wedding ring. Pink diamonds aren't really me. But if there was someone out there who would actually, seriously consider these rings, I'd give him as many children as he wanted.

This article, via The F Word, caught my attention, and made me laugh a bit. In a slightly worried manner. Because, obviously, the only way to turn on a woman is to stroke her bum, labia, nipples etc. And to keep stroking 'til you get a response.

Take it from a real, live woman; the thing erogenous zone to focus on is her brain. And I don't mean 'try to stick your fingers in her ears'.

-----

I suffered a slight humiliation today; I turned up for an interview a bit early. About 24 hours early. The worst of it is, I have to come up with a different outfit for tomorrow. I wore my short purple dress today, which was fine 'til I started noticing that men keep looking at my legs as I walked past. A couple even goggled. I don't wear short skirts so much as I used to, I'm now remembering why...

Good news; I'll be getting the starry underwear. With a staff discount.

Now, do excuse me, I'm going to go and dance about my bedroom to some Le Tigre and trip over my slippers.

At the train station this morning, it was very cold and I was quite hungry, so I went and bought a bacon roll. While the guy put the bacon on to cook, I noticed the headline on The Guardian.

"The Liberal Democrat peer [Lord Steel], whose bill legalising abortion in certain circumstances marks its 40th anniversary on Saturday, says an "irresponsible" mood has emerged in which women feel they can turn to abortion "if things go wrong".

"Everybody can agree that there are too many abortions," he says in an interview in today's Guardian, calling for better sex education and access to contraceptive advice and a debate over sexual morality to help bring the numbers down."

Now, I wonder whose morality is up for debate here?

It's going to be a long week. Alan is here and whenever all four of us are in the same room, conversation defaults to 'let's pick on Feebs' within 10 minutes. I may yet go to Dundee earlier. I just really want to get away from here, but I don't think I'm going to be finding much solace until I'm in Lesley's front door.

I just came across this as I caught up with Feministblogs.org. I nearly laughed at the ridiculousness of it, except that it's more terrifying than funny. And given the current rumblings about the legality of abortion, and when is the latest it can 'morally' be done, I wonder how long it will be until someone raises their heads from the pond scum, sees all the immigrants here and makes the same connection.

The trains were well and truely buggered last night. It was a bit late going in to Glasgow, which was annoying because I really hate feeling like I'm running late, even if I'm not. The training session finished a little earlier so I went to Borders, got Bitch and went to the station. After a while, the train was cancelled. Then there was a replacement bus service. It was an evening of uncomfortable seats.

Today, I feel like there's something I wanted to do but I can't remember what it was. So I think I'll go back to bed and read 'til I work out what it was. And hope that the postman has to ring the doorbell.

Bah, the pain in my abdomen is back. Nowhere near so bad as when I've got my period, but this still hurts. Instead of something sharp and pointy being twisted into my body, this feels like a prolonged poke with a spork.

Troublesome Bubblegum arrived this morning, Julie Ruin should arrive in a few days, as should the 7" of That's The Way (My Love Is) by the Pumpkins. On purple vinyl, no less. It takes me back to buying 7" singles 10 years ago, so retro.

Where are my shoes? They'd better be in the mail as we speak. I have an outfit mentally planned around these shoes, involving my purple and lilac stripey tights, and I'm dying to see how it looks in reality. Gods, but I can be shallow...

Electrocute are good. Troublesome Bubblegum hasn't arrived yet, but I downloaded some of their stuff. See, this is what most of the peer-to-peer opponents might not realise. I love music. I love finding new music. I wish I was a rock star and that I could travel the world, playing music and make a living that way. So, to allow the people whose music I love to keep making it, I buy the albums. But I don't listen to the radio, at least, not music radio because most of the stuff on there is shite. So to find new music, and to find out if I like it, I use Frostwire. If I like something, I'll buy the album. Everybody's happy.

Mum helped my dye my hair this morning. I have brown patches on my ears and neck. Next time, I think I might just do it myself.

Hopefully the black Irregular Choice shoes will arrive tomorrow. I posted payment the same day as the payment for the ring that arrived yesterday.

I'm going to go listen to Richard Cheese for a while; dancing around my bedroom to Weapon of Choice wore me out a little.

Reasons Seth Green is just adorable #14,958: there's a clip on YouTube from a stage read of Family Guy in Chicago where he comes on stage and drinks some Jack straight from the bottle. The oddest of things turn me on sometimes.

Reasons Seth Green is just adorable #14,959: there's another clip on YouTube of an interview he did regarding his voice work for some new Xbox 360 game. The name has vanished from my mind, but how, and indeed, ever. He's such a geek. I love geeks. Especially when they're funny.

And there's a really hot 23 year old guy in St. Andrews who's posting on YouTube about feminism. He describes himself as a mix of radical and liberal feminist. Did I mention, he's really quite hot? Or, to use the current vernacular, hawt?

I think I need to go lie down now.

The interview went ok. I don't want to jinx it. They have the cutest set in stock, it's black cotton with pink, white and silver sparkly stars all over. Possibly something to get twice...

Other than that, it's been quite a dull day. Mum wanted me to help her henna her roots, so the kitchen looked a bit like I'd had a dirty protest by the time I was done, and she heated it up sufficiently that I think I've lost my fingerprints.

Alan is being seconded to the area at the beginning of next week, so it's going to be a full house soon. How glad am I that I'll be away for a week? Gosh, it'll be odd to have someone to talk to for a few days. I'm going to have to come up with a fancy dress outfit too, for Lesley's birthday party. I suppose there's always the failsafe; the witchy dress, wig and little witch's hat on a headband. I saw a broomstick the other day that would match, and as Alan works for that company, I'll badger him to get it discounted for me. All I need to sort after that is the shoes... If I go with the seamed fishnets I came across the other day, I could go with plain black shoes...

Julie Ruin should arrive soon, I got the despatch email earlier. Next month; Bikini Kill. I'm now a Music Genius or something according to iLike. I need to get a life. Or a hobby.

iLike has memory problems. That can be the only reason it heeps asking me who performed the same half-dozen songs. And 2 rules of thumb for when you don't know the song; it's either Death Cab For Cutie or John Mayer. Additionally, I've found out how little I know about emo. Not that I'm going to rush off and totally immerse myself in the music; it all sounds the same and just a bit too whiny for my taste. The only whine I like is Billy's nasal variety.

Anyway. I've had confirmation that I don't fully wake up before I start for the day, so yesterday I must have put the earphones in. I woke to Dad tapping on the door, bearing a cup of coffee. He said that Mum had told him to bring it up, I assumed that was because she didn't want me to sleep in. No. I apparently conversed with her through the door as she went out for her run. The lesson here is: don't assume I'm awake unless you've seen my eyes open.

The Le Tigre song in Itty Bitty Titty Committee (I love saying that title, even if I don't have IBTs) is actually FYR, not FYI. I'd edit the post, but I'd lose the clip because the YouTube to Blogger thing is shit. FYR stands for Fifty Years of Ridicule, if you're wondering. I'm feeling a strong need to find more feminist music and to create a Clit Rock (Cunt Power?) playlist. Oh, and I'm taking cunt back. I use it as purely a descriptive word, it has positive connotations from here on out. So, should anyone ever feel like calling me a cunt, go right ahead. All compliments are gratefully received. One thing, about the use of anatomical terms that irritates me somewhat, is the use of 'vagina' when referring to the external genitalia. The bit you can see, under certain circumstances, is the vulva. The vagina's the bit that tampons occupy internally.

I digress, though from what, I couldn't rightly say just now.

The Friday play on Radio 4, OK Computer, was supposed to be somehow related to the Radiohead album, as it's 10 years since it was released. There were a couple of snatches, the beeps from the start of Paranoid Android (or the end of Airbag, because whoever put the track break on the master put it in the wrong place), a sound from Climbing Up The Walls, but that was it. I heard more of A Tribute To Monk & Canatella by Portishead. And missed the end because Dad was asking me something about something. A somewhat disappointing experince, unfortunately. In unrelated, but not wholly disimilar news, Philip Glass and Leonard Cohen have been working together, so I must investimagate. I've switched to Firefox, so the interwebs are working better for me. I spent a worrying amount of time on the iLike Challenge on FaceBook, but now have a score of something like 1,064 and a best streak of 126. And found a couple of feminist groups to join.

Lastly, I think I have bronchitis. I'm finding that I feel like I'm not breathing deeply enough, a little like I'm just about to start panicking or drowning. This is what I really hate about getting colds; this will last for a few weeks yet.

Just stumbled upon this via Feministblogs; it's easily the funniest thing I've read in a very long time.

This is as much for my benefit as anyone else's; I don't want to wander off and forget about this, especially when I come to moving. Hmmm. Just thought; if I was in a relationship with someone I was in love with, I'd get one and give it to them on a plate. Feel free to steal the idea for your loved one, I'm anticipating just buying one for myself and hanging it on my own bedroom wall. Over the bed I sleep in alone. By myself.

Bah, back to the shoes. I am not going to feel sorry for myself. Bollocks to that, I'll give myself the moon on a plate if no-one else will!

It's odd. I listened to some music until I felt sleepy, about 2am this morning. I distinctly recall turning off the Walkman and taking out the earphones. I think a song by the Chili's had just started, something like Suck My Kiss, so I didn't want to wake myself up again, not like with Kiddy Grinder 20 minutes before.

So waking up, with the earphones loosely in my ears and hearing the Today program through Starla by the Smashing Pumpkins is somewhat bemusing. The best I can figure is that either I just dreamt switching it off, or at some point, I woke up enough to shove the earphones in haphazardly and turned it on again, but not enough that I fully woke up. And I was lucky enough to not have White Zombie or System Of A Down shuffle on while sleeping. That would explain why I feel like most of my dreams had a musical element to them, though I can't remember any of them.

Onwards and upwards; I have an interview in La Senza tomorrow afternoon. It's 'just' for a 16 hour sales assistant position, but it's weekday to begin with so won't clash with Rape Crisis for a while at least, and the hours will likely increase towards Christmas. And, from a purely selfish point of view, it's something to do while I look for a full-time job. And it'll be nice to get a discount, which I intend to use fully. I counted 4 sets that I really like when I was in on Monday, and there was plenty other stuff I could be persuaded to look at twice. Including a cute little babydoll that as no practical use and I wouldn't buy anyway, as I have no-one to wear it for. I'll wear sexy lingerie under my clothes as and when I feel like it; that's for me. If someone else happens to see it, it's a little treat for them.

Additionally, I had a phone call from someone who had seen my CV and wanted to see if I'd be interested in mortgage advisory. The money's good, the basic salary alone would keep me comfortably in shoes (i.e. I could afford the Compeed plasters too) and there's some training involved, amazingly. They don't just throw you in the deep end. And I returned a call from a recruiter who's putting me forward for an assistant concession manager position. Again, the salary's slightly more than my last, and a little over what I figure I'd need to live comfortably when I flee the nest again. Yes, I've factored in a shoe budget. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it's on the list after rent, council tax and utilities, but before food.

It's now almost exactly a year since Steve was found dead. I can't remember the exact date, or if 1 week or 2 passed between getting the phone call from Lesley and Hallowe'en. So much and so little has changed since then. I still miss Steve terribly, but I can still hear his voice in my head, the exact inflection when he said "Hiya, pal" and told me that he loved me dearly. I once sent Ben a photo from my phone of Steve and I in the pub, I can still remember it though I doubt that Ben still has the picture. It would never have occured to him to keep it, even after Steve died. Anyway. I'll always have the memories of his stag night (coffee schnapps holds a special affection) and the party I held after finally getting Iain out my life for good. He was trying to teach Sandy how to down a shot of Jack, without doing the 'whhhhhhuuuurgh' face afterwards. I came up at exactly the right moment for Steve to order me a shot too. He down his, without a blink. I downed mine without a blink (Steve had taught me well). Sandy downed his with a full body 'whhhhhhuuuurgh'. I wish I had had the chance to tell him what he meant to me, one last time, but I think he already knew. And this is why, no matter how depressed I get, no matter how much I may think about suicide, I never could carry it through. I was so lucky to have 8 years with Steve in my life, I just wish I could have got 20 or 30 more, at least. I could never do that to my friends, because while you get used to the loss, and the hurt become manageable, it never goes away.

Bah. It wasn't my intention to get all morose. I'll go look at the bunny shoes for 10 minutes, that'll do the trick...

So, I did this meme already, using my Phavourites playlist. Now that I'm pretty much up and running with the full library again, I'm going to give it another outing. Tomorrow: this meme again, but only using the music of the Smashing Pumpkins. As a special treat for you, my devoted readers. As you're the only people who are now sufficiently inured to my Pumpkin-loving-tendancies (Happy Hallowe'en!) to not be bored to death by it. Just tears. Anyway, while you tear out your mind's eye after that image involving a pumpkin, I'll go and fire up SonicStage...

If your life had a soundtrack, what would the music be?
Here’s how it works:
1. open your library (iTunes, winamp, media player, iPod)
2. put it on shuffle
3. press play
4. for every question, type the song that’s playing
5. new question - press the next button

Opening credits: Supervixen - Garbage

Waking up: Charmless Man - Blur

First day at school: Take A Look Around - Limp Bizkit

Falling in love: Mayonaise [Acoustic] - Smashing Pumpkins

Breaking up: I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off - Fall Out Boy

Prom: Avery M. Powers Memorial Beltway - Fear Of Pop

Life’s okay: Pencils In The Wind - The Flight of the Conchords

Mental breakdown: Console Me - Fuzzbox (the voices in my head are chortling merrily at that one...)

Driving: Vanity - Smashing Pumpkins

Flashback: Bombtrack - Rage Against The Machine

Getting back together: Mad About The Boy - Julie London (hehehehe!)

Wedding: Twin Peaks Theme - Angelo Badalamenti

Birth of child: Acid - Bill Hicks

Final battle: Pictures Of You [Extended Dub Mix] - The Cure

Death scene: Tourniquet - Marilyn Manson

Funeral song: (Just Like We) Breakdown [DFA Remix] - Hot Chip

End credits: Born A Girl - Manic Street Preachers

I've been meaning to mention this story for a couple of days now. Two men, certainly old enough to know better (at least, you'd think so) had their jail terms doubled for statutory rape. One of the girls was 10 years old at the time. The other was 12, though the defendants both claimed to believe that the girls were older, 15 and 16 apparently. Just in case you're unfamiliar with the UK legal age of consent, it's 16. I can almost understand a 12 year-old looking 15, but a 10 year-old looking 16? I'm no good at guessing ages, admittedly, and puberty is starting earlier and earlier with each generation, but even so...

Anyway. Back to the story at hand.

"Det. Insp. Simon Snell from Devon and Cornwall Police said: “We believe that this sentence reflects the seriousness of the crime committed”... Whilst Baroness Scotland, the Attorney General said “The message must be that sexual activity with girls of 10 and 12 will not be tolerated."

The sentence that reflects the seriousness of the crime committed, and that will give a clear message regarding the tolerance of statutory rape?

4 years. Doubled from 2.

Yup, I'm not pulling your leg. And, given that most sentences are rarely served fully, they'll probably be out again in... oooh, about 18 months?

I think the message is clear: When the local constabulary come a-knocking at your door because you have a disturbing prediliction for little girls, all you need to do is claim that you thought they were about the age of consent. With the sexualization of children today, who wouldn't believe you? 10 years old and clearly gagging for it.

The whole thing leaves me speechless with disgust and the urge to vomit.

If you're male; rubber up and you're good to go. If you're female; you can either mess with your hormones or mess with your cells, then you're good to go.

Call me crazy, but isn't this just getting a bit out of hand? The gender-bias in contraception is annoying already, but to fiddle with RNA? Next stop, DNA! And notice that, as it's nearly always men that make these birth control methods, they never really do anything about the pain of actually having periods. The hormone pills do help a bit, but I think that's a secondary benefit. Back in the 50's and 60's when they were working on the first contraceptive pills, I doubt that the debilitating pain or hormonal fluxes were foremost on the scientist's minds. Will these shiny new pills do anything about the pain? I'd put money on them following the 3 weeks on - 1 week off cycle too, so there's no escaping the blue strings yet.

I'm all for bodily autonomy; I don't want to have children but I do like to have sex, so I will continue to use contraception (currently the Evra patches) as I don't entirely trust men to look after it. And, no, I wouldn't believe a guy who said he was on the male Pill either. Who'd be left holding the baby? Yes, me. Upside down and trying to resist the impulse to throw it out a third floor window. It would be nice to have equality in this matter too, is all.

THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE
Move into my own place.
Decorate said place the way I want it, with no aesthetic input from anyone else. Except maybe my landlord.
See the Aurora Borealis.
Find a sustainable happiness.
Write my book.
Amass a huge music collection.
Purchase many, many pairs of shoes.
Dye my hair purple.
Get many tattoos (I've a great idea for a new one, to go at the top of my left arm, I think)

THINGS I CANNOT DO
Kill spiders.
Lie. (Except, that's a lie. I'm just really not very good at it, or remembering my lies, so get caught extremely quickly. See, I give the game away somehow everytime.)
Settle for 2nd best. And why should I?

THINGS I SAY MOST OFTEN
Bah.
Riiiiiiiiiiight.
Coffee.
Sorry.

SEVEN BOOKS I LOVE
Like Water For Chocolate - Laura Esquivel
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
Memoirs Of A Geisha - Arthur Golden
No Logo - Naomi (I've just blanked on her surname...) Klein.
Shopgirl - Steve Martin
Happiness (tm) - Will Ferguson
Either Prozac Nation or Bitch by Elizabeth Wurtzel

SEVEN MOVIES I COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
Singles (but only when I'm not sad about love)
High Fidelity
Party Monster
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
This Is Spinal Tap
Clerks II

Random thoughts of recent times:

Ooh, a purple Double Lolly! Is that a new combination?
Why won't people who phone from a witheld number just leave a damned message?
When will my new shoes arrive?
Where's my t-shirts?
When will my other shoes arrive?
Ouch, my mouth's too small for a whole Pringle.
I think my period's finally stopped!
Yeuch! Purple Double Lollies are disgustingly sour!
Electrocute? Who are they? Lyrics about pissing on faces? *adds to basket*
I need to get hair dye.
When's the 31st?
Yay, the black jeans are finally dry!
Oooh, my tummy's not hanging over the waistband like it did the last time I wore them.

I have nothing constructive to say and have wasted most of today.

Someone in Dorset did a Google search for Women Men Adore by Bob Grant very early this morning. I find that somewhat disturbing.

I was going to ramble on about how no-one should change for anyone else, but I get so tired of stating the blindingly obvious. Maybe I'll recap the main points another time, but not right now.

That's all.

My plans for the day have just fallen through. Such as they were, anyway. Probably for the best; I just blew my nose and there was blood again.

Just deactivated my WoW account. Even though I haven't played for... June, July, August, September, holymoses, that long??? ... 4 months, it's still kind of sad. And they've added voice chat with the latest patch. That would've been fun. I still remember dashing around Feralas, alternately wondering why Czarina was suddenly tiny and laughing so hard at the Guild channel that a little pee escaped. The 2 weren't really related; there were shaman ogres casting spells which shrink your toon for a while; Czar's a dwarf so pretty neat already, and I was grouped with Jaded who's a night elf and 7ft tall in game terms. I had a couple of screenshots somewhere. Anyway. That wasn't why I was laughing so much; some kid had just joiined the guild and he was a bit annoying, so the rest of us decided to annoy him back. Somehow, the Ridders Van Oranje came up. They're the biggest Dutch guild on the server. We had them riding oranges as mounts, rolling down hills and finding it generally difficult to get anywhere in Azeroth. The oranges weren't to scale, obviously. Damn, I miss those guys.

Time for another eBay hunt, I think...

I swear I'm regressing. Exhibit A - the Hello Kitty raincoat. Exhibit B - sulking because it's not raining so I've only worn it twice now, and both times it stopped raining very quickly. Exhibit C - Kinder Surprise, how great are they? Sweets that contain toys ("mostly in kit form") that usually take the form of household objects in unusual colours with faces on them. I would love the job of new toy designer for Kinder, mostly because they seem to be in a job that requires truckloads of hallucenogenic drugs everyday. And Exhibit D - The 3D jigsaw of R2-D2. I was back in the charity shop again (more books) and saw it. I was a touch concerned that there might be some pieces missing, until I opened the box. The previous owner probably had the same thing as I did on opening; pure dismay. There's so many pieces. Still, I'll get there in the end.

In other news, I'm going to go and visit Lesley at the end of the month; see in the new year and celebrate her birthday. It'll be good to have a change of scene!

I think there must be another box of CDs somewhere in the garage, so far I've realised that I don't remember seeing Bowling For Soup, Duran Duran, Velvet Revolver, Portishead... Ben likes shite music too much to have kept them (cf. The Mission, Babyshambles, The Libertines, Travis) which isn't to say that I don't like shite music (I have even admitted to having Limp Bizkit in my Phavourites, you may or may not recall) but the shite I like has at least one redeeming quality, and as little to do with Pete Docherty as possible. For example, it's good to dance to (Yes Sir, I Can Boogie by Baccara for example) or it's so cheesy it makes you smile when you hear the first 4 bars (Mandy by Barry Manilow) whereas most of the stuff Ben listened to was jangly guitars. Should the Chinese ever get bored of dripping water, an endless loop of jangly guitars would be an appropriate substitue.

If it comes off that I'm feeling grumpy, that would be because I'm almost into my 9th day of this period, with no signs of abating and the sensation of a large hippopotamus pirouetting on my lower abdomen, like a real-life Fantasia. Except this hippo has either got stilletos on, or sanded her ballet shoes into a point because there's also a stabby pain every few minutes, as she completes another turn. Whatever they put in Pringles, they must be putting in the Wispas too.

SonicStage is deliberately playing silly buggers. I'm trying to get the various genres sorted into something like an order, but everytime I change one of them, the order of the rest shuffles about. Was it at this point that the Sony software engineers decided to start monkeying about with the program, see if anyone noticed? Maybe the coffee pot had been on for about 20 hours so they were somewhat amped up.

I'm going to go an swear mentally at SonicStage some more then strop off in a huff in 2 hours. See if I don't.

Oh No by OK Go finally turned up. Turns out there is still a 2nd post. I thought that went about the same time Channel 4 launched. Or maybe it's to clear the backlog of last week's mail. So, yeah. OK Go. Me likey lotsanlots. The version I got has a DVD with it, with a bunch of videos. Treadmills, exploding hay, bullet-time dance moves and vintage clothing, it's all there. And I still have A Million Ways in my head, though the bassline now, not the 'one-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero' of last week. Damian Kulash, how hot is he? My, but it took me by surprise. Especially as I've seen some of the videos before.

So this evening will mostly involve Walkman wrangling. Not only putting tracks on to the unit, but trying to remove some. (I'd almost be quicker to shrink myself down, become an mp3 or ATRAC file, transfer over to the Walkman and hunt down the tracks to be deleted on foot. Maybe those Pingles weren't salt and vinegar... It says psilocybin on the tube, maybe that's why one can't stop after popping?) Inbetween all that, I'm thinking about cobbling together some playlists. If anyone reading has suggestions for playlist themes, please do share. So far, I have 'Music With Rocks In' for when I'm pissed off and wanting tinnitus, 'Wanna Disco, Wanna See Me Disco' for when I'm wanting/needed to dance like St. Vitus has me and 'Feebs' Phavourites' which has turned in to the playlist where songs I like or love go to be heard once a month, unless the Walkman decides to shuffle it 3 times in 2 hours, as it's fond of doing. And the title? I'm so sharp I'd cut myself if I was still into that.

Why can't GUM testing in this part of the world be more like that in Dundee? I just went to see one of the GPs in my practise, spoke to him, he took some blood and I went back a week later to get my results. Which, for the record, were negative across the board. I recall at the time, feeling surprisingly relieved, because I hadn't even realised that I was worried about having anything. Perhaps, more importantly, that was just before I got the job in Lush and just before Ben slept with Sue for the first time. At least, the first time he told me about. I should've got tested when he finally told me (a year after the deeds) but I guess I foolishly trusted him when he said he was clear. This was in the midst of the shit hitting the fan about a year ago.

Anyway. Hopefully Mum will be well enough to go to work tomorrow, I'll try to get a lift into town with her. Without telling her exactly why. The choice is that, and go to the Sandyford (who ironically enough I have heard a lot about lately, via the RCC) or get Dad to take me to somewhere in East Kilbride, and try to get around telling him why. It's bad enough talking to them about the good side of sex. For all that we're not repressed and fairly open-minded (while Dad still doesn't officially know about Alan), we're not a family of talkers. Things have to be seriously bad before we'll bring a subject up, and then we don't know what to say.

Ooh, Dirt arrived. It reminds me of Icon, a long-discontinued fragrance that Lush used to do. I think there's frankincense in it, something like that. Mum, ever the one to say something nice, in lieu of nothing at all, said that it smelt of "decay", and "the compost bin". All because it's called Dirt. I won't be asking for her opinion should I ever think I can smell gas.

My period doesn't seem to be stopping. It's been a week now; it started last Monday. And my breasts still hurt. Maybe it's something to do with the patches, but I'm not sure how that would work because they're giving me the same hormones, just in a new and exciting 'flesh-toned' way. When they design these things, and elastoplasts, do they deliberately go for a colour that no-one is? And why do you never get black 'flesh-tone'? Why do these manufacturers use shop dummies as their colour guide? Why will I never know the answer to these questions?

According to a widget on my iGoogle (yes, I am a zombiefied minion. Braaaaaains....) the moon is waxing at a rate of about 2% an hour. At that rate, it'll be a full moon in another 2 days, and a new moon about 2 days after that. And there was me thinking that a lunar cycle is about a month long. On the upside, I have something called a Fuzzy Clock. According to that, it is Night. Useful, if you never look out a window because you're surgically attached to the Intrawebs and the only light signals your visual cortext process come from the monitor 2ft infront of your nose.

In the news today; Rangers fans a danger to public transport. Not just public health, then. Though to be fair, that would cover all football fans. How does 'the bouncy' work? And how homoerotic does is sound, or is that just me?

The now-thankfully-convicted rapist, Mark Campbell has a face that you want to slap. OK, to be fair, maybe more than slap. What is it about the mugshots that are published of rapists? Why do they all look so... arrogant? The other thing about this story is what the judge said in sentencing.

"The culpability in my judgment is extreme because you have a wife at home. It is not the case that you are some sad and lonely man with no roots or home to go to and of who it might be said that he could have been unaware of the consequences to a woman. You must have know what it meant to these women."

So it would have possibly been more permissable if he had been a sad, lonely, homeless man, who has no shred of human decency? That he has a wife doesn't mean he was more or less aware of the consequences; I'd be willing to bet that knowing the consequences was part of the reason he did it. He knew, as anyone would know, that an attack like those he carried out would have a devastating effect on these women and girls. Also, the judge find this aspect particularly disturbing, so sentenced him to life. He could be out in 2017. 5 years after the London Olympics. It's not that far away. The judge was reported, on the radio, as saying that 'the victims would never recover' from their ordeals, which I kind of object to. It'll take them some time, but I really hope they find their ways to survival, and that this man isn't allowed to define the rest of their lives.
His wife was in court for sentencing. I can't help but wonder, how did he treat her?

And lastly, Hotel Chocolat in the news! Better than Thorntons, evidently this guy knew it. I'm not usually a soft touch, or easily swayed (easily amused is quite different) but if anyone wanted me to forgive them... well, anything really, Hotel Chocolat would be the way to do it. And why won't they open a store in Scotland? Damn, have to stop looking at the site, gonna short out something...

Just won another pair of shoes. Please don't mention it to Mum, I'm hoping she won't notice the extra boxes when I move out again, and that she hasn't found how to search for this blog from work. Thus far, she hasn't as I think I'd recognize her IP address and she's not so techie as to be able to block it.

As for the shoes, I must be approaching a good 60-odd pairs by now. That's 5 pairs in the last 2 months, and there's a couple more I've seen in shops, including the bunny ones. Pining for something? Trying to distract myself? Filling a hole in my soul (har, just spelt that as sole, force of habit)? Well, he was quite tall, it's a big hole to fill and I've only got quite little feet (for my height.)

Also known as 40 Things. It's perhaps a bit more end-of-December but it's nearly the pagan New Year (Samhain?) so I'll be working on that cycle...

1. What did you do this year that you’d never done before?
Let's see... Played WoW, had IBS, been this thin, used the contraceptive patch. Blogged from my phone, went to the Polo, done voluntary work, turned 28.
2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
As I recall my only resolution was to learn to drive. Given that I've totally changed my mind since then, no, I didn't keep it. I'll be sticking with my usual resolution methods; make none, keep none.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I'm aware of.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Steve.
5. What countries did you visit?
England.
6. What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year?
A job, ideally one that I like. Love and happiness. And my own place to live.
7. What dates from this year will remain etched upon your memory?
No specifics, really. Hallowe'en, because that was the day of Steve's service. Certain events stick more clearly, but not the days they took place on.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Heh. Joking aside, finally accepting that I have to live with my depression and that I can't ignore it.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Destroying so much before realising that I had to live through my depression, not around it.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No injuries, but depression and a couple of colds. Possibly a bit of food poisoning at some point?
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My big black bag. It's the first bag that I've used so regularly, I got it in March or April.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Um... Al Gore? The guy who donated money to a Rape Crisis Centre in England (Doncaster, I think) after interrupting a rape and chasing the attacker away, then staying with the woman until the police arrived. I think he was awarded the money by the court, or something, but it's nice to hear about the good guys for a change.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Where to begin... Most politicians, all Neo-Nazis, anyone who buys into the consumer culture without thinking about what it's doing to the planet and the people. The people who persist in believing the myths about rape and abuse. And Ben.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Amazon Marketplace sellers and foks who sell purdy shoes.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The clean answer; Zeitgeist and the purdy shoes. The post-watershed answer; Neil.
16. What song/album will always remind you of this year?
The Party Monster soundtrack and Zeitgeist.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? thinner or fatter? richer or poorer?
Happier, and not just because none of my friends have just been found dead. Thinner. Poorer.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Paid employment. Med-taking.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Self-loathing. Hiding under duvets.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Probably trying to watch the Ross Noble DVD that I'm hoping Alan will give me, while the family stampedes back and forth talking loudly. Possibly drinking Bailey's from about 10.30am and staying pleasently tiddly all day then falling asleep about 7.30pm.
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Probably Lesley, as I always spend about half an hour on the phone to her and don't often phone anyone else.
22. Did you fall in love this year?
Yes, though it was more a realisation than starting from nothing.
23. How many one night stands in this last year?
None, I don't care for one-nighters.
24. What was your favourite TV program?
Robot Chicken.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.
26. What was the best book(s) you read?
Aberystwyth Mon Amour, can't recall the others just now...
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Rilo Kiley.
28. What did you want and get?
Some of the shoes on eBay. Confirmation that Neil did fancy me back in the day, and still did.
29. What did you want and not get?
For Neil to still fancy me.
30. What were your favourite films of this year?
Party Monster.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Got drunk with a couple of Ben's friends in Edinburgh (I thought they were my friends too, at the time) then fell asleep on Lesley's sofa on the day itself.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A job that I enjoyed and was comfortably renumerated for.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept this year?
Shoes, shoes and shoes. And clothes that are slightly too big.
34. What kept you sane?
Music, though what I call sane and what other people call sane...
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Seth Green
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Attitudes to rape.
37. Who did you miss?
Steve. Neil. Lesley.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Chris, Hannah, Sal.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year.
This, too, shall pass.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
"Please don't stop, it's lonely at the top / these lonely days, will they ever stop / this doomsday clock, ticking in my heart / not broken"

Today I mostly had a headache. Possibly because I'm still not sleeping so well, and then didn't eat much. My turquoise leopard print shoes wore holes in my foot and rubbed the toes quite badly on the other, so my feets are now bound with plasters. I finished Aberystwyth Mon Amour last night (ok, 3 o'clock this morning) and it just gets more and more outlandish as it goes, in the most wonderful way.

I'd tubthump about the sentence given to the rapist in West Sussex, but between my headache and the stuff on my mind, I think I'll save that for later, when I'm more focused. Suffice to say; 13 offences he's been found guilty of, a 'life' sentence that will have him out in 12 years? It's a fucking mockery of justice.

Oh. My. God. Is this for real? "Become the woman men adore, just by being yourself." Can you say oxymoron, moron? The daft thing is, he's written a book about this (he's trying to sell it on the interwebs, but he's extremely subtle about it. You'll see what I mean when you look at his site.) when really, the whole concept is summed up in the sentence in quote marks above. When I fall in love with someone, I don't want them to change. In fact, when I find myself wishing that they would change, even just a little thing, it's time to think about where things are going. That, and I'll make him use condoms. If I'm in love, the mess doesn't bother me in the slightest. If I'm not, it's more hassle than it's worth. Ooh, sailing past Pilf on a tidal wave of TMI there, sorry...

And the funniest thing about Bob Grant and his books (yes, there's more than one)? The other book is How Do I Get Him Back? Because, apparently, in some cases, just being yourself isn't enough. For only $39.95. Bargain.

I feel I should disclose that the initial link came from a link on the Google Mail page.

So, anyway. I'm going to go look at these shoes again, the starry blue ones. Hopefully they'll give me sweet dreams.

1. Go to http://www.popculturemadness.com/
2. Pick the year you turned 18
3. Get yourself nostalgic over the songs of the year
4. Write something about how the song affected you
5. Pass it on to 5 more friends

Ok, so I'm not American. I barely recognised half the songs on the list and the site was really ugly, like it should've been a MySpace profile. So I altered it to suit me culturally. Yes, you are witnessing the birth of a meme... Watch it die in a few days when no-one else (other than possibly Pilf and Fiatim) copies it...

1. Go to http://www.everyhit.co.uk/
2. Pick 1 as the highest position
3. Change the Earliest and Latest Dates to show to the year that you turned 18 (leaving the months as January and December)
4. Wax lyrical about the songs you can remember.
5. Pass it on. If you have 5 friends.

1997

Tori Amos - Professional Widow (remix)
I want to like Tori Amos, but I've somehow never gotten into her stuff.

White Town - Your Woman
I don't remember this. Can't've been that good.

Blur-Beetlebum
I have this on 7" somewhere, I adored Blur at that time. And had a huge crush on Alex James.

LL Cool J - Ain't Nobody
I don't remember this. This Lady doesn't Love Cool James...

U2 - Discotheque
U2 usually go in one ear and out the other. This one formed a pile of notes on my shoulder.

No Doubt - Don't Speak
I like this, but didn't buy it or anything. Just A Girl is better.

Spice Girls - Mama / Who Do You Think You Are
God, there was some shite out 10 years ago...

R Kelly - I Believe I Can Fly
See what I mean? Since then, there's been far too many people 'singing' this on Pop Idol etc. One of the myriad reasons I don't watch Simon Cowell's televisual output.

Chemical Brothers - Block Rockin' Beats
I didn't like the Chemical Brothers at the time, but now I do.

Michael Jackson - Blood On The Dancefloor
Urgh.

Gary Barlow - Love Won't Wait
More shite.

Olive - You're Not Alone
I only faintly remember this. I recall ambivalence.

Eternal featuring BeBe Winans - I Wanna Be The Only One
Yeuch.

Hanson - Mmmbop
Shoot me.

Puff Daddy & Faith Evans (featuring 112) - I'll Be Missing You
Just shoot me.

Oasis - D'You Know What I Mean?
Please?

Will Smith - Men In Black
The despair is opening in me.

Verve - The Drugs Don't Work
Like I'm being forced to listen to this on repeat.

Elton John - Candle In The Wind 97 / Something About The Way You look Tonight
Hell is the number 1 singles of 1997

Aqua - Barbie Girl
See what I mean?

Spice Girls - Spice Up Your Life
Though I knew the dance for this one.

All Saints - Never Ever
But the All Saints were too cool for formation dances, so had no redeeming qualities.

Various Artists - Perfect Day
Whichever BBC executive thought that taking Perfect Day (as song about the joys of heroin) and turning it into some multi-artist montage was a good idea should be shot. As should the people who green-lighted the project.

Teletubbies - Teletubbies Say Eh-Oh!
See above.

Spice Girls - Too Much
I looked to see what the number 1's were the year I was born. I much prefer that list as it's mostly good. Even We Don't Talk Anymore by Cliff Richard is a better awful record than most of the drivel released 18 years later. Cliff Richard better than something... Never thought I'd express that opinion...

Top bidder on a pair of Irregular Choice shoes. The plain black version of my pink and black record pattern ones. Yes, they're virtually identical, and I almost never wear the pink ones because I associate them with pain and blood. Maybe the black ones won't be made of sandpaper and cheese graters. If they are, I've put a bid on blue starry shoes as well, if I rotate them with the other shoes I won on eBay, and my other shoes (bought in the traditional method) I won't be too horrifically scarred on the heels. Or the tops of my feet, just up from my toes. The red marks have almost gone from the day I bought and wore the pink and black IC creepers.

That was over 2 years ago.

Anyway. I've got about half an hour 'til the auction ends, so I guess I'll do what I usually do when I'm killing time but staying firmly in front of the PC; memes.

The stuff that I wanted from the garage has been got. And a bit more... I just wanted a couple of pairs of shoes and some books and a coat, and have dragged two boxes upstairs. Other things I discovered include that I have 2 Hello Kitty shower caps, the piece of rose quartz I got somewhere sometime ago has a hole drilled through it, making it a bead and that there was a 'running joke' that I was part of at the Away Team that I'd forgotten about. Unsurprisingly, I used to keep a diary up until a few years ago, and I still have them all, I think. After Iain took it upon himself to invade every crevass and cranny of my privacy, I kind of stopped. Anyway. I remember there being a running joke, but not what it was exactly. I've a vague idea of what it involved, but the whole story is frustratingly elusive. 18 year old me wasn't so great with recording the details, probably because I assumed that I just wouldn't forget something that was evidently so important at the time. How naïve, looking back, that the biggest thing on my mind 10 years ago was that I had a massive crush on one guy who became my boyfriend and another guy who didn't. Well. Not for quite a while, anyway. It's such a long way from there to here.

1. Of all the bands/artists in your cd/record collection, which one do you own the most albums by? Do I really have to answer that question? If you've read any of my blog, you already know. If not, the Smashing Pumpkins.

2. What was the last song you listened to? Suck My Kiss - Red Hot Chili Peppers, though I have Tearjerker in my head.

3. What’s in your record/cd player right now? Still Zeitgeist, Volume 1 and Since I Left You.

4. What song would you say sums you up? There's so many songs that fit perfectly, but the song that describes the hard, immutable core of me would probably be Turn My Way by New Order.

5. What’s your favorite local band? I have no idea. Drive By Argument are the only local band I know of (one of them lives across the road) and I like what I've heard. Sex Lines Are Expensive Comedy. Good title too.

6. What was the last show you attended? The Mission at the ABC. Only because Ben likes them. I drank a lot of Jack that night.

7. What was the greatest show you’ve ever been to? Tool blew me away, to use a terrible cliché.

8. What’s the worst band you’ve ever seen in concert? Dilinger Escape Plan. They were utter shite.

9. What band do you love musically but hate the members of? Marilyn Manson. Manson himself sounds intelligent and might be interesting to have a conversation with, but I also think he's an arse.

11. What show are you looking forward to? None are anticipated, but the next time the Pumpkins' are playing in this country, I'm there.

12. What is your favorite band shirt? My Mellon Collie one; I love the artwork. And it's blue, which is a bit different.

13. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day? Weird Al Yankovic.

14. What musician would you like to be in love with for a day? Billy Corgan.

15. Metal question: Jeans and Leather vs. Cracker Jack clothes? Cracker Jack being...?

16. Sabbath or solo Ozzy? Sabbath. Though I like It Gets Me Through. But it doesn't make up for Dreamer.

17. Commodores or solo Lionel Ritchie? I totally ambivalent on that one.

18. Punk rock, hip hop or heavy metal? I much prefer the umbrella term of 'Alternative'.

19. Doesn’t Primus suck? Shouldn't that be "Don't Primus suck?" or "Doesn't Les Claypool suck?" Anyway, bad grammar aside, no. Les Claypool and Primus rock my socks off.

20. Name 4 flawless albums: Volume 1 - Fear Of Pop, Siamese Dream - Smashing Pumpkins, Nevermind - Nirvana, When The Pawn... - Fiona Apple.

21. Did you know that filling out this survey makes you a music geek? Tell me something I don't already know. What's that? I'm a grape who's also commitment-phobic, unless it pertains to body-art? Are you Blogthings 'R' Us?

22. What was the greatest decade for music? The current decade, whenever that might be. (No, I haven't got a concussion, go with me on this...) Because you have all the good stuff that's current and you can access all the good stuff that's gone before. So it's a rolling concept.

23. How many music-related videos/dvds do you own? 3 or 4, though most of them are the DVD section of an album. The only 'stand alone' material is by some band from Chicago...

24. Do you like Journey? Off the top of my head, I think I only know one song. More Than A Feeling? Is that it? It makes me want to get my hair cut into a feathered shag, but thankfully only for about a second. That's a long-winded way of saying; no, though I appreciate the cheese.

25. Don’t try to pretend you don’t! Hey! I love cheesy kitschy music and I don't care who knows it. I have Barry Manilow on my Walkman!

26. What is your favorite movie soundtrack? Party Monster.

27. What was your last musical ‘phase’ before you wised up? If you want to be snobby, I did like pop music before I got into alternative. But I still like some pop.

28. What’s the crappiest CD/record/etc. you’ve ever bought? I was a bit disappointed with Baxter's album, but I don't have it anymore so can't really say with any certainty. Folks laugh when they see Spice World in my collection for some reason.

29. Do you prefer vinyl or CDs? Vinyl for nostalgia's sake, CDs for practicality. The records are difficult to fit into the drives.

I was going to find a music meme to pass the time, but after clicking on a link from Google, I got sidetracked by an entry on someone's blogroll. I flitted down the page until my attention was caught by the Terminology Explanation. And I followed the link to read it all. After reading it all, I then followed another link and found that there's masses of anti-feminist blogs. There was one that I looked at a bit that was going on interminably about how domestic violence is reported as a feminist issue, and how that was a negative bias as men suffer domestic violence too, but the nasty feminists never talk about that. Well, let's boil it down, shall we; like rape and sexual assault, a good 95% of reported domestic violence is prepetrated by men against women. No one, feminist or otherwise, would ever try to say that men are never subject to domestic violence or assault. Without a doubt, it happens more than we 'officially' know, as, again as with rape and sexual assault, it is massively underreported, possibly even moreso because of social pressures. However, the percentages still come down heavily slanted against women as the victims of these crimes because society has historically placed a responsibility on women and a certain freedom on men. Feminism is all about equality. No one, irrespective of gender, should live in fear of any crime being commited against them.

Pilf, shall we go a-trolling on these troglodyte's blogs of an evening sometime?

The worst of it has passed now.

I've noticed that, when I feel myself starting to shift and slide, I don't listen to music. The radio's been on most of the day, but I was only half-listening most of the time, it might as well have been white noise. But when I forced myself to put the Walkman on, I started to feel more like myself again. I was even dancing a little to The Inevitable Return Of The Great White Dope. You listen to it, see if you can stay still. End result is that dancing, even just a little bit, makes me feel better. There was even some comedy arm-waving, but that was another song and I can't remember which one just now.

And I've just eaten some apple crumble.

Ok, so these things don't come close to the one thing that would make me happiest, but they're the best I'm going to get.

I want someone to hold me.

I don't want them to say anything, or try to make me feel better, or try to come up with something that will fix everything, or anything at all. I just want someone to come to me and put their arms around me and hold me close to them for as long as I need.

I'll even shower first, if necessary.

For when you're too lazy and uncreative to think of anything to blog about...
Last Alcoholic Drink: Some Magner's with Robb a few weeks back (when I threw up in the bath)
Last Car Ride: Earlier, back from doing some errands with Mum, as she's "worried, and doesn't like to see me like this."
Last Kiss: Just over 8 weeks ago.
Last Good Cry: Ha. Last cry was yesterday, but it didn't make feel better. Ben would be so disappointed; he said I was at my most beautiful when I cried.
Last Library Book: So long ago, I can't remember. Shocking, really.
Last book bought: 4 from the charity shop a few days ago.
Last Book Read: Aberystwyth Mon Amour. It gets better and better and more incongruous with every page.
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: Shrek The Third, though I only saw it once in one theatre.
Last Movie Rented: Ben rented Kinky Boots on my behest. I'd rented it before and I loves it.
Last Cuss Word Uttered: I really can't remember.
Last Beverage Drank: Orange juice.
Last Food Consumed: Baked potato with tuna mayo and sliced parsnips. It was dinner and Mum has a habit of putting odd vegetables with meals.
Last Crush: Let's not even go there, not while it's taking so much effort to not thik about it, ok?
Last Phone Call: To my voicemail. It was a recruitment consultant.
Last TV Show Watched: Channel 4 news on Thursday, I think.
Last Time Showered: Wednesday night. I know. I'm finding it hard to see the point behind anything, so don't say anything, please.
Last Shoes Worn: Converse baseball boots.
Last CD Played: Zeitgeist - Smashing Pumpkins, though I've listened to my favourites playlist on my Walkman more recently. Not all of it, I'd still be there a week Thursday.
Last Item Bought: Tampons, Haribo jelly babies and Cadbury's Giant Buttons from Poundland.
Last Download: Probably some Felix da Housecat. Not at all illegally, oh no. *cough*
Last Annoyance: My jeans keep slipping down lower than is comfortable. I'm also working hard at not thinking about other things that would fit here.
Last Disappointment: The letter from HMRC
Last Soda Drank: Irn Bru, a few days ago.
Last Thing Written: The blog. Or contact details for jobs to apply for, if you mean 'on a piece of paper'.
Last Key Used: My house key, to unlock the door yesterday afternoon.
Last Words Spoken: Something about pudding, forgotten already. Mum made apple crumble (my favourite; I think she's trying to be nice to me, which makes me want to cry more) but I'm too full after the potato, so will have mine later.
Last Sleep: This morning. I woke about 11ish.
Last Ice Cream Eaten: Vanilla Toffee Crunch, at least a month ago.
Last Chair Sat In: An Ikea one that creaks a lot. It's my computer chair.
Last Webpage Visited: My iGoogle.

If so, I only have so many friends, I couldn't bear for them all to kill themselves and be buried/cremated on Hallowe'en.

So, yeah. Things lurch from bad to worse. I got the letter from the Civil Service, which I was expecting. I knew what it would say before I opened it, too. How kind of them to return the photo too. I suppose I could burn it.

What did I do? Why is nothing working out for me? It's not like I have an over-inflated opinion of my worth. It's not like I've set out to hurt people for my own gain. A year ago, I was being kicked when I was down and used as some kind of scapegoat, and things really haven't improved since then. I know it's not the worst that things could be; yesterday I read about a couple who were seriously injured by a hit-and-run driver (The Herald called him a "boy racer" throughout, which is surprisingly tabloidy for what's supposed to be a broadsheet) and the killer is that they were on their way home after taking the evening to remember their baby daughter who died 29 years before. If I was a Congolese woman, not having a job would be the least of my concerns. I'd likely be more occupied by getting to the hospital and the recovery from a brutal gang rape. My concerns are terribly middle-class and, frankly, quite shallow. But I can't help how I feel. This is the life I have. I'm not Congolese, nor have I lost a child and been thrown 20ft by a car. I feel like my existance has no real point to it, and hasn't for a year. I don't know what to do. At what point do I give up hope and let myself just sink beneath the waves?

Me: Er... Hi...

I: You again?

Me: Yep, it's me.

I: I'm feeling tired, what do you want?

Me: To make peace. I'm tired too. Can we find a way to get along, maybe?

I: Maybe. You do understand that I do like you, it's just that sometimes you go off on these crazy tangents, and it seems like the only way to bring you back is to be blunt with you? I want you to let go, it's only hurting you more.

Me: I know. I want to let go too. So much I can barely breathe sometimes. I know I'm being stupid and I shouldn't keep going over these things. You're right, none of it matters, it was all meaningless. Even if he meant it at the time, he never really cared about me.

I: You've changed your tune.

Me: No, he cared about the 'me' he thought he saw. That wasn't me, though. And it was never going to be me; it's like in Shopgirl.

I: You're losing me now, and you know I've read it.

Me: The bit about how Ray only wanted to possess one square inch of Mirabelle's skin, not her whole person? He wanted only one small part of me, unfortunately, when he realised I come as a complete package...

I: Ah, with you now.

Me: And just to be clear, I'm not a possession either. So no-one could ever possess me.

I: Not even me?

Me: Well... That's different. You're here already.

I: And I am you.

Me: That too.

I: Do you think we'll find a Jeremy?

Me: Urgh, that means getting back with someone.

I: We've done that before. Several times.

Me: Yeah, and it was such a good idea on every occasion, wasn't it?

I: Seemed like it at the time.

Me: Everything does.

I: OK, so not a Jeremy in the sense of the book. But you know what I mean, you're just being pernickity.

Me: Ever the pedant, you know that.

I: You're avoiding the question...

Me: No, I'm thinking.... We might, and it could be nice if we do. But after everything we've been through with men, do we really want to go through it all again? Hasn't there been enough hurt and heartbreak for now?

I: For this lifetime, really.

Me: Exactly my thinking.

I: Who else do we really need?

Curtain.

1. You have the opportunity to question someone about something you've always wanted to know and receive a truthful answer; what would your question be?
What does it all mean? As in, is there really a point to existance, or are we all just deluding ourselves that anything we do matters in anyway? I have a million other questions, but they are far less important and rather selfish and I can get those answered one way or another, eventually, so why waste what is quite the opportunity?

2. What are you most likely to be doing when you’re up in the late, late hours of the night?
A little light self-torment. Sometimes with musical accompaniment. Or the crows.

3. Wow! When you woke up this morning, you noticed that someone snuck in and added a new room to your living space! The room is for your exclusive use, and it can serve only one FUN function (and it can’t be used as a bedroom or storage). What fun activity will be reserved for this new room?
The wearing of gorgeous shoes. And dancing like a loony, in the gorgeous shoes.

4. Given as a percentage, approximately what are the chances that you’ll get a personal, handwritten greeting in the mail sometime in the next week?
Easy, 0%. Actaully, no. If the things ever turn up from eBay, the sellers will probably have shoved in a note. Though that assumes that the strikes haven't buggered up things so badly that they go the way of my 23rd birthday card from Dad. So about 2%.

5. What’s something you were reluctant to jump on the bandwagon with, but now are totally into?
Like Pilf, mobile phones. Mine also never gets switched off, only to silent or vibrate. Unless I'm in a hospital, but that's not often. I even blog on mine sometimes... To think it was only a few years ago that I functioned quite well without one; now if I leave it behind it's like I've left a kidney in on my bed.

Me: What about when...

I: Shut up. I'm fed up of your bullshit.

Me: What can I do? Using a knife doesn't work anymore. Can you suggest an alternative?

I: I'm thinking about it, I'll let you know when I've thought of something.

Me: A bit faster, please. I'd like to think about something else.

I: Ooh, I know; think about you. That should do the trick.

Me: Eh? How?

I: You're very easily forgotten. You'll move on in no time at all.

Me: But... what about... well, me?

I: Hmmm... A few courses of ECT should do the trick. Or a full frontal lobotomy.

Me: If I felt capable, I'd make the full bottle in front of me joke.

I: Yeah, but that's not funny.

Me: No, I know. How will the ECT work?

I: Lick your fingers and come over to this plug point....

Scene: Any backdrop you like, under any circumstance. But for arguement's sake, let's call it 2am, in the darkness of your room.

Me: What if I missed the things he was trying to tell me?

I: Like what?

Me: That he really cared. A lot.

I: Don't be silly, what makes you think that could have happened?

Me: ... I dunno. A feeling, I suppose.

I: Wishful thinking, you fool. I mean, honestly.

Me: But some of the things he said...

I: Like what?

Me: That I was the prettiest girl in the room...

I: Oh, hello! At a Star Trek convention??? Damned with faint praise, there. You did see the other people at the conventions, right?

Me: ...

I: Anyway, it was clearly something he borrowed from Flight Of The Conchords. He didn't mean it.

Me: ... They cast Rachel Blanchard as the pretty girl... She was in a movie with Seth Green...

I: Like I care about that.

Me: But what about the thing with the penthouse apartment?

I: What about it?

Me: Well... um... Doesn't it mean that he'd thought about being with me as much as I'd thought about being with him?

I: Why would it mean that? All it means is that he had a fantasy involving someone who looked like you. Not you. If it had been you, it wouldn't have been in such a ridiculous and fantastical environment. It would've been Starbuck's.

Me: ... But...

I: No buts. Why are we even having this conversation? The real you turned out to be too much of a disappointment for him, more than he could handle. Get over it, already. You're being pathetic.

Me: ... Um. I suppose.

I: Seriously. I don't like being in the same head as you, why would someone who can leave the room and never come back do anything other than that?

Me: I don't know.

I: Please. Go and drink yourself to death or something. Nobody could love you, nobody will love you and the sooner you understand that, the sooner I can get back to my book.

Me: ... Oh. Right. I'll... I'll go get some Jack then, shall I?

I: Yes. And how about you inject it or something? Anyway, please shut up. Your incessant whining is enough to make anyone want to strangle you.

Exeunt.

4 things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth.
1. People who say that spiders are "more afraid of you than you are of them, you know". I know. Part of it being an irrational fear is the irrationality. It's not just a snappy title.
2. Uggly boots. Fashion is about looking nice, or at least, it was in my day. The 80's? Look! Isn't that a badger with a machine gun?
3. Pornography. It gives everyone unreal expectations of how bodies should look and how to have sex. And it's exploitative. And not very sexy.
4. People who refer to themselves in the 3rd person. It's creepy.

3 things people do that make you want to shake them violently.
1. Cough without covering their mouths. Thanks, I wanted your cold, so kind.
2. Women wearing the wrong size bra.
3. Exes who try to rewrite history to suit them and their own over-inflated ego.

2 things you find yourself moaning about.
1. Being bored and fed up and not finding a job already.
2. How much I hate myself at times.

1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself.
1. That maybe, when I see the doctor, I should ask about upping the dose to 40mg. Or seeing a professional. But not one who uses CBT. Yes, I need to challenge my way of thinking, but perhaps I need to work on the underlying causes?

Rule: You can only say yes or no. Now go......
Some of these you can't not do by 28!

1. Taken a picture naked? Yes.
2. Painted your room? Yes.
3. Made out with a member of the same sex? Yes.
4. Drove a car? Yes.
5. Danced in front of your mirror? No, not intentionally.
6. Have a crush? Yes.
7. Been dumped? Yes.
8. Stole money from a friend? No.
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? No.
10. Been in a fist fight? Yes.
11. Snuck out of your house? Yes.
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Yes.
13. Been arrested? No, but I've a feeling that my feminism may yet land me a night in the cells.
14. Made out with a stranger? Yes.
15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? Yes. (How else would that work?)
16. Left your house without telling your parents? Yes. And not just when I was living away from home.
17. Had a crush on your neighbor? Yes.
18. Ditched school to do something more fun? Yes, if that means uni 'school', no if it means school 'school'. School now looks like a nonsense word to me.
19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes.
20. Seen someone dying? No, not in a moment of death way.
21. Been on a plane? ... Yes.
22. Kissed a picture? Yes.
23. Slept in until 3? Yes.
24. Love someone or miss someone right now? Yes.
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes.
26. Made a snow angel? Yes.
27. Played dress up? Yes.
28. Cheated while playing a game? Yes (to get more 'money' for my Sims)
29. Been lonely? Yes.
30. Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes (it was the meds)
31. Been to a club? Yes.
32. Felt an earthquake? No.
33. Touched a snake? Yes.
34. Ran a red light or were in the car with someone when they ran a red light? Yes.
35. Been suspended from school? No.
36. Had detention? No.
37. Been in a car accident? Yes.
38. Hated the way you look? Yes. (like, dur, I'm a girl.)
39. Witnessed a crime? Yes.
40. Pole danced? Yes. (Fully clothed!)
41. Been lost? Yes.
42. Been to the opposite side of the country? Yes.
43. Felt like dying? Yes.
44. Cried yourself to sleep? Yes.
46. Sang karaoke? No.
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes.
48. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes.
49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes.
50. Kissed in the rain? Yes.
51. Sang in the shower? Yes.
52. Made love in a park? Yes.
53. Had a dream that you married someone? Yes, but it was more of a nightmare.
54. Glued your hand to something? No.
55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? No.
56. Ever gone to school partially naked? No.
57. Been a cheerleader? No.
58. Sat on a roof top? Yes, though nowhere near the edge.
59. Didn't take a shower for a week? Yes. (The depression was really bad)
60. Ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? No, though I've found Most Haunted too scary!
61. Played chicken? No.
62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No.
63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? Yes.
64. Broken a bone? No.
65. Been easily amused? Yes, all the time.
67. Mooned/flashed someone? Yes.
68. Cheated on a test? No.
69. Forgotten someone's name? Yes, though never while in flagrente fortunately.
70. Slept naked? Yes.
71. Gone skinny dipping in a pool? No.
73. Blacked out from drinking? No.
74. Played a prank on someone? Yes.
75. Gone to a late night movie? Yes.
76. Made love to anything not human? Does a vibrator count?
77. Failed a class? Yes, lots.
78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? No.
79. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? No.
81. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? No.
82. Thrown strange objects? Yes.
83. Felt like killing someone? Yes.
84. Felt like running away? Yes.
85. Ran away? Not in the Missing Persons sense, but yes.
89. Made a parent cry? Yes. It's horrible.
90. Cried over someone? Yes, too many for me to recall.
91. Had sex more than 10 times in one day? No, but I'd be willing to give it a shot!
92. Dated someone more than once? Er? As in get back together with someone after breaking up? Yes. It's happened often enough it's almost my MO.
93. Had/Have a dog? No. Not a dog person.
95. Own an instrument? Yes.
96. Been in a band? Yes, even if it was laughable.
97. Drank 25 sodas in a day? No.
98. Broken a CD? Yes. Only CDs that didn't burn properly and were wasted (so I wouldn't try to use them again) or ones that Ben burnt for me. They're surprisingly bendy.
99. Shot a gun? Yes.
100. Had feelings for one of your best/good friends(guy/girl)? Yes, much to my lasting regret.

So the classroom's 18" across, like Stonehenge...

And poor Scott "Skippy" Scuffleton. (Scroll down to the 'drummers' section of the Wiki page. Now, keep scrolling, keep scrolling...) One can't help but wonder if that's a secret function of the iPhone, instead of bricking. If it is, all power to them. Can they extend it to fans of Phil Collins, James Blunt and Mariah Carey too? And Liam Gallagher. For no other reason than he gave me quite a start earlier when I saw him staring out the cover of this month's Mojo. Really doesn't suit longer hair.

Still feeling quite hopeful about hearing from the Civil Service soon. Dunno why. That said, the cards did indicate good news involving work and financial good fortune. Hopefully for me and Pilf!

Well, I got to wear the black and pink shoes out for the first time, and the HK raincoat, even though the rain had stopped by the time I got to Glasgow. And, as if I really needed the confirmation, I'm absolutely a caffiend (ahem). When I arrived at the station, I could have carried on and got the train which left about 4 minutes after. No, I went to the Starbuck's stand and stood in the station for half an hour, sipping my coffee and having some older man look down my shirt until they announce the platform for the Plymouth train. I mean, puhlease. I get that some men will look down my top, as I've said recently, breasts are a thing of great visual beauty. But at least pay some lip service to looking at my face first, and be a little less obvious about gawking. I'm a person, not some pile of body parts for you to look at in a lascivious manner. Men.

I'm still only on chapter 3 of Aberystwyth Mon Amour, but already I think everyone should read it. Any book that contains the following is genius and must be read. And I was laughig at it on the train.

"I could see that I had lost him. Or I had lead the
conversation in a direction that threatened the protocol. People came here to escape their cares, not relive them. They came to buy his vanilla-soaked tickets back to a world where pain was just a grazed knee and a mother's caring hand was never far away."

Bah. After reading Pilf's post, I want my own SigOth. (disclaimer: not actually Fiatim) Someone who will love me and hug me and call me George... Anyway. Enough of the drippiness.

Who's going to have a look at this and tell me if it's safe? That I made it all the way down the Wiki page for spiders is more than enough for me for the time being.

I've finished Against Our Will, I think I'm going to hunt out my copy of The Beauty Myth tomorrow. After the interview thing. I don't want to work in a bank, something dies in me when I so much as think about it, but it's something to do tomorrow. Other than sign on. Something tells me I should hear about my last interview soon. More than anything, I really want that job. Partly because I think I might actually enjoy it a bit, but I'm not totally insane. I want it because it would allow me to get my life straightened out and back on the right course. It would allow me to rent a flat (closer to Glasgow than I currently am) and have a big room for shoes. And make it easier to learn the Deceptacon dance; the PC here is in a communal room, so I'd likely clobber Mum or Dad as I was jumping about. And if that's not a good enough reason to employ me, I don't know what is.

This isn't very funny. It would not be done if it was a man in command. Are the crew incapable of following orders? If so, why are they going to the ISS?

And, in a more whimsical nature, how did these people manage this? The crack doesn't look big enough to get your foot caught in, never mind to fall into. I wonder how 'refreshed' they were at the time of the incident?

1. What is the best relationship advice you've ever received?
That no one can 'make' you do anything, you chose your responses. Needless to say, that was from Lesley, and in the midst of the Iain thing. It applies in any situation involving interaction with other people too, I think.

2. How many people have you dated at once? How many people do you think it is acceptable to date at once?
On two seperate occasions, two guys. I'm not very good at it, partly because I throw myself in headlong. As long as everyone invloved is open and clear about it, you can date as many people as you like, but two-timing and cheating is a big no-no.

3. What made your worst kiss so bad?
He nearly broke my jaw. This was the guy who thought that, if I said I wasn't ready to go further before tea, I would be afterwards. He was determined to get into me some way or another that day.

4. Can a relationship last if the sex is bad?
Not as a romantic relationship. And assuming that there isn't any underlying causes for the sex to be bad.

5. What one thing would you like your partner to do every time you have sex with them?
When I have a partner with whom I have regular sex with, I'll come back to you on that one. But always enjoy themselves.

Bonus (as in optional): What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I have absolutely no idea. I think it might be something to do with looks, a smile or the eyes, but I don't see it myself. And I'm not very good at putting on an 'act', so maybe it's just me being me. (Yes, very likely...)

TEN random things you might not know about me
1. I've never broken any bones.
2. I have a mole right next to my left nipple. Well, it's about two inches away.
3. I was born with a hernia.
4. Down escalators make me dizzy.
5. In an online quiz thing, that told you your politics (in case you didn't already know), I came out so left-wing and liberal that only Ghandi was more extreme than me. And only by a little bit.
6. I find breasts really attractive.
7. While I've never slept with a woman, I find myself thinking about it more and more recently.
8. I keep missing this ring I want on eBay, the seller keeps relisting it in her shop and someone Buy-It-Now's it from under my nose.
9. I sometimes have no control over what I spend, then find myself in sticky situations.
10. I'm paranoid that I smell bad.

NINE places I’ve visited
1. Covent Garden, London
2. Mann's Chinese Theatre, Hollywood
3. Optic Nerve, Burbank
4. Paramount, Hollywood
5. The Verdant Works, Dundee
6. Deep Sea World, North Queensferry
7. Nurenburg Castle, Nurenburg
8. The restaurant in Switzerland that was used as a setting in a James Bond movie, near Interlaken.
9. The 'other' end of the Giant's Causeway, near Mull.

EIGHT ways to win my heart
1. Be funny
2. Have good taste in music
3. Be interesting and have opinions
4. Find a good balance between spending time together and giving me space
5. Honesty
6. Unexpected little things, like a postcard in the mail or knowing how I take my coffee without having to ask, to help me realise that I'm not out of sight, out of mind.
7. Think I'm the most wonderful woman to walk the earth (but not in a stalkerish way)
8. Find yourself unable to stop smiling when we're together.

SEVEN things I want to do before I die
1. Be happy
2. Write at least one book
3. Be happy
4. See the aurora borealis
5. Be happy
6. ... be happy
7. Maybe find some ambition?

SIX things I’m afraid of
1. Falling in love with another Iain
2. Falling in love with another Ben
3. Losing my mind completely
4. Having to be commited to psychiatric care of some kind
5. Never finding a job
6. Totally failing as a support worker in the RCC

FIVE things I don't like
1. Gender inequality
2. Cooked mushrooms
3. The statistics and attitudes surrounding rape in society
4. Period cramps
5. Not having anyone to hug

FOUR ways to turn me off
1. Have anger management issues
2. Cheat
3. Belittle my problems
4. Be prejudiced and/or think that I should be some kind of little lady who does what she's told by a man

THREE Things I do everyday
1. Blog
2. Drink coffee
3. Read

TWO things that make me happy
1. Pilfkin's adoption of Deceptacon
2. Funny things, and working out how to download the podcast of The News Quiz.

ONE thing on my mind right now
1. Can I really see myself working in a bank?

About 2am this morning, I decided to stop reading and turn off the light. I twisted round in my bed to reach the lamp, and what was right by my pillow but the biggest spider I've seen since that one that was in the bathroom? I managed to freak out very quitely, then spent the next half hour or so chasing the damned thing around the corner of my bedroom. For such a big thing, it could really move, so after a while I lost track of where it had run off to next. So I took my pillow and duvet, shook them really well and went and slept on a sofa. Fine, except I'm a few inches too long for these sofas too, and 2 1/2 hours later, Dad got up. I was having a dream about Radiohead and having a punctured lung. The music was lovely, though. I still haven't found the spider yet and I've spent the morning somewhere between dozing and asleep. And then at lunchtime, my nose sprung a leak and I dripped blood everywhere as I grabbed for a tissue. It's stopped again, thankfully, but this is getting annoying. Sometimes, I need to blow my nose. And I could do without the achy feeling in my forehead, if it's related.

On the upside, I'm feeling in quite a good mood.

…ate a takeaway meal?
My Mum went to the chippie a month or so ago, I can't recall any other time since then, and that memory's quite hazy itself. I might have had fish. I do like a white pudding, but usually can't move after eating one.
…got drunk?
Proper drunk; the time I met Chris in town and we had cocktails and I threw up in the bathroom sink at midnight. That was about 6 weeks ago. A bit tipsy; when I met Robb and threw up in the bath at midnight. Though that might've been the cramping, not the drink.
...ate meat?
Had a small amount of chicken on Friday; Mum got an Indian meal thing from Sainsbury's. I do still intend to go veggie, once I move out and am feeding myself. Lame, I know.
...ate in a restaurant?
When I met Debs and we had lunch in a Chinese buffet place on Sauchiehall St.
…ate at McDonalds?
I remember being in the McDonalds in Cumbernauld but I think that was over a year ago, and I felt so ill afterwards that I've never gone back. I have a weakness for KFC that very occasionally overwhelms me though, but even then it's been months since I ate there either.
…watched a movie?
Still nothing since The Man With Two Brains. Girl, Interrupted doesn't really count because I missed the start and stopped watching shortly after Susannah and Lisa break out and end up hitching to a party.
…rented a video/DVD?
About a year ago, when I still lived in Dundee. There was a Blockbuster close by where I lived.
…gave money to charity?
Technically, earlier today, to the local asthma charity. When I bought books from the charity shop. So not that technical, really.
…spent a lot of money?
'A lot of money' is all relative, I suppose. £30 for jeans was 'a lot' for me just now, being on Job Seekers' Allowance, but a couple of years back, when I got my Christmas bonus from Lush, £200 for the Walkman didn't feel like such a huge amount.
…wore clean underwear?
When I got dressed this afternoon. Clean pants every day. I have so much underwear, I have few excuses for not changing them.
…bought some new clothes?
Last week, the jeans from H&M. I don't recall black jeans being such fluff magnets 10-12 years ago, when I last wore them. I believe a t-shirt from Threadless is on it's way, as is an H&M t-shirt I won on eBay. Apparently, I need more clothes...
…read a book?
Earlier; I'm still nearing the end of Against Our Will and started 2 of the books I got earlier.
…read a newspaper?
The Independant, this afternoon.
…went skinny-dipping?
Not that I'm necessarily adverse to it, but never. You think I'm pale in photos? Imagine the skin you usually can't see for clothes. I glow in the dark.
…went bungee-jumping?
Never. It would probably help me overcome my fear of heights, but more likely save me from ageing.
…went to another country?
England in February, before that was Los Angeles nearly 10 years ago and that really quite depressing. Oh, no. I went to Ireland about 7 or 8 years ago. Chris and I are discussing the possibility of taking trips together.
…lied to someone?
This morning; I never seem to be able to tell someone I want to cancel plans because I'm feeling down, so usually claim food-poisoning/period cramps/24 hour death instead. And, believe me, I feel bad about it, I hate lying and it's really against my nature.
…betrayed a friend?
I might have to think about that one some more, it's not something I'd do lightly.
…snogged someone of the opposite sex?
A couple of months ago?
…snogged someone of the same sex?
About 3 months ago. And there were two of them, both quite hot. To be fair, the last guy I snogged was hot too.
…met a celebrity?
Lorraine Kelly in Lush last year sometime. Going back aways, I've met pretty much most of the cast of Babylon 5 and a fair few Star Trek actors.
…smoked a cigarette?
In May, I think. I was in Edinburgh, anyway. I was extremely tempted by the thought of American Spirit Blues about a month ago, but that's passed.
…took drugs?
I totally whited out on grass at Lesley's about 5 years ago, I think that was the last time. And then Greebo, one of her cats, tried to pee on me when I decided to stop and lie down on the grass on the way back home. Our houses were about 2 minutes apart at that time. Sometimes I wouldn't get dressed for the walk, just go in my pyjamas.
…went to the library?
A couple of months ago, though I didn't borrow any books. The last time I did that, I was in Dundee. And that was a really long time ago.
…stole something?
I've stolen memes without giving a link to where I got them... A lot of the recent ones have been from here. Other than that, I'm painfully honest.
…played Solitaire?
Ages ago, while waiting for SonicStage to catch up.
…watched TV?
Watched about 10 minutes of the Channel 4 news today. Saw a little bit of Scotland - Argentina yesterday. I really don't watch much telly at all.
…made a difficult decision you didn’t regret?
That I wasn't coping with my illness and needed to address it. I'm now pretty much ok with taking the pills and quite probably having to take them for the rest of my life and that it's as much a part of me as my love of a pretty shoe. It's funny how just acknowledging it and accepting it has made the problem so much smaller. It's like the shadow in the night that turns out to be just your dressing gown hanging funny, not an axe-weilding psychopathic killer.
Now add your own question and answer it:

...lost your temper?
After splitting up with Ben, he told a couple of people who I thought were my friends about a text I sent his mum a year before (it told her that we had split up and why). To this day, I don't know why he brought it all up again, other than to garner sympathy, and possibly to emphasise my obvious instablity (when I get that angry, and I really mean white-hot fury, all reason leaves me and I may do things without thinking them through. Also known as reacting.) to further shore up his credibility. Being such good friends, they started questioning why I'd sent that text and what did I hope to acheive with it? Never mind that it was a year afterwards and that I had (at the time of pressing 'Send') just found out that my fiance had shagged another woman, who I'd met, 4 times over the course of several months, without using any contraception and the other thing on top of that that I said I wouldn't write about, which would have been a big enough issue to overcome on it's own. Hell hath no fury like a women scorned? A scorned woman hath no fury like me at that moment in time.

Anyway. It was all dragged up again, and this time it seemed to be to make me seem like the one who was in the wrong. Ok, so my behaviour was somewhat erratic at the time, but that was a step too far. So I left an extremely abusive and angry voicemail on Ben's mobile. Then I phoned Hannah and vented at the poor girl, in the most expensive phone call I've ever made (it was cross-network and about an hour long). I felt a lot better after that. Thankfully, I only lose my temper about once every 10 years, unless there's extreme circumstances.

This morning I had a series of dreams; in the first one, a job agency called and asked if I'd be interested in some job they had on their books. The only thing was that, to get the job, I'd have to have cosmetic surgery. It was a job based on being on the phone, possibly some reception work. Later, I dreamt that the same agent called back and told me that the employer was really keen on meeting me, and offering me the job, and to ensure success, the agency would pay for the surgery. I'm not sure what surgery was required, but I think it might have been to turn me into the kind of woman who wouldn't look out of place in the pages of FHM. As best as I can figure, I had those dreams because we'd discussed the societal pressures on women to look a certain way, if they wanted to 'succeed' in life (i.e. on terms dictated by men) and evidently, the job issue is the defining factor of my life right now. Anyway.

I took myself to the charity shop for the first time in a while earlier and found 4 interesting looking books there. They are Aberystwyth Mon Amour by Malcolm Pryce (the cover reminded me of a Jasper Fforde book I loved, the blurb on the back sounded good, I looked at it in Fopp a few months back); Hard Choices by Carole Hayman (the blurb on the back sounded interesting, on getting home I discovered through the blurb inside that the author also wrote Ladies Of Letters for Radio 4 which was hysterical); The Bridge by Iain Banks (believe it or not, I've never actually read an Iain M. Banks thus far) and The Nazi Officer's Wife by Edith Hahn (it sounded interesting and then skiming the paper earlier, I saw an article about the rise of Nazism in Israel which scares and horrifies me in equal measures). So, not bad for £2.

My period has started several days early. The current patch is due to come off on Saturday and then I have my week off, but let's just say that any pressure stronger than a light breeze makes my breasts hurt right now.

Mum might have a point about keeping my room tidy, though not for any reasons she'd likely come up with. It's far easier to dance like a lunatic to Come With Me (Zwan) when the floor's clear and there's nothing to stand on or trip over. Dang, it was fun. Twirling, arms flailing, kicks and hops. Just thinking about it makes me smile uncontrollably. There's a really creaky floorboard though, it's a little off-putting, unless you can incorporate it somehow.

A website that isn't selling anything, other than ideas, but is devoted to adverts. And Club Med have a fragrance?? What on earth is happening to the world?

In technololololigcal stuff, today I have created a gmail account (cuz I'm down with tha kidz) and despaired over Sony again. The transfer had got to about 70% when it was time to get ready to leave, so I tried to stop it but the program hung instead and 'wiped' the Walkman. I had to go all the way to Glasgow and back with no muscial accompaniment. On the other hand, I think I read more because I used my book to distract me instead; on the way back I barely noticed the stations. I'm getting close to finishing Against Our Will. It's a little frustrating that it was written in 1975 but most of the points still are valid today. In the course of our discussions this evening, we discussed magazines and their content. I have virtually given up reading 'women's' magazines, the content depresses me. Apart from some of the pictures of shoes. I don't need to be told how to have sex or how to lose weight or how to stay forever young. I don't want to slavishly follow fashion; I have the body I have and will dress how I feel comfortable and in what I think looks good on me. So, no, no high waists, no shorts and no yellow. I want a magazine that discusses issues I'm actually interested in and engages with me on an intellectual level. Not one that advises me to watch what I drink and how to behave to reduce my chance of being attacked. Statistically, I'm far more likely to be attacked by someone I know and in the 'safety' of my own home. And where are the magazine campaigns telling men how to behave to make women feel safer? To reduce their chance of attacking someone? Why do women's magazines blithely buy into the male idea of 'feminism'? I want a magazine that true acknowledges equality, that doesn't discriminate against the reader based on gender or sex. The only magazines I buy with any regularity now are music magazines, but they're squarely aimed at men, judging by the adverts. Bah. There's no satisfactory answer that I can come up with straight away. Though I loathe that men's magazines have become little more than the 'acceptable' face of pornography. Abortion clinics as places to pick up women, as the women there must be up for anything? Letterbombs have rarely felt quite so appealing.

According to Wikipedia, Nuts magazine (they get special venom for their Assess My Breasts feature on their website) is aimed at the 18+ demographic but in reality sells from age 13 upwards. The last time I purchased Marie Claire in the local Spar, the cashier commented to his friend that 'you have to be 18 to buy that magazine'. I can't help but wonder if there's any such restriction in place for men's magazines, and why there is on Marie Claire. They aren't quite as sex-obsessed as most other publications (Cosmo, Glamour...)

Anyway. A new magazine, and make Kira Cochrane the editor!

From FridayQ (even though it's not Friday yet)

FQ Topic: Depression

FQ1: What's the most depressing song you've heard and movie you've watched?
Death Of A Party by Blur because I listened to it on repeat while downing the 50 paracetomol (takes longer than you might think, especially as after about 15 I was fighting the urge to vomit) but on a less memory-specific level, Breathe Me by Sia was the last song to make tears stand in my eyes. The most depressing movie... Given that I watch movies to entertain and cheer myself up... Kundun probably, though that evokes frustration and sadness than depression.

FQ2: What's the most depressing place you've been?
A&E of Stirling Royal Infirmary on a rainy Monday night. TKMaxx when they've not got any good shoes is depressing too. Any crematorium on the planet.

FQ3: What's the most depressing event in current news to you?
Where to begin... Weltschmertz is part of every day for me. Burma, Darfur, the Congo, Afghanistan, Iraq, Israel / Palastine, Europe, the US, anywhere where people are suffering, especially when there's no real point to it.

FQ REMEDY: List five things you do to make yourself feel better when depression strikes.
Listen to upbeat music. Sing along to upbeat songs. Dance like a nutter to upbeat music. Listen/watch comedy, such as Ross Noble or I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. Have a bath.

Do we like the hat? I have a hell of a time getting head apparel that doesn't look ridiculous, but with this I can't quite decide. I'll wear it anyway, on cold days and so on, but the issue here and now is whether I could get away with it for sartorial reasons as well as practical. Say; when I need to wash my hair but haven't had the chance, or if I dye my hair black and the roots need doing, or I require cranial surgery and some of my hair is shaved off, or I decide to become a monk but change my mind when presented with a petrol can. Or, just possibly, coz I think it looks cool and I feel like wearing a hat. I feel like accessorising more.

In other news; I tidied my room a bit, and reorganised my CDs. I'm going to need a longer bed... (Yes, they're organised alphabetically. Not because I'm anally retentive like that, just so forgetful that I can be looking for a CD and not be able to recall what the 'spine' looks like so look past the CD I'm after up to 14 times.)

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I think I might have broken my Rabbit a bit. It still works, for now at least, but there's a bit above the motor that seems to have shifted. Anyway. She Has Eyes by L7 will never be quite the same again...

The electricity keeps cutting out. I know it's not the computer because the radio keeps turning off too, though it's not long enough to have to reset my alarm clock or anything. I'm not sure it's healthy for the computer though, so I'm going to go play with my Rabbit some and exercise my imagination. Someone, somewhere, should regret letting me go, as they are missing out on some of the best sex of their life...

I gently blew my nose, figuring enough time had passed since the discovery of dried blood and also because I felt like there was something needing blown out. I'm officially having a nosebleed. And there was a minor power cut/surge; the PC switched off and someone's alarm went off. So, what's going to be the third odd occurence?

I have dried blood under a fingernail on my right hand and on the back of 2 fingers of my left hand, like I've rubbed them against the source of the blood. The blood is all still bright red, so it's relatively fresh. (Also, I think I'm slightly anaemic, based on the shade of red and the blood that was on that tissue the other day, and that it's all taken a long time to oxidize.)

I haven't a clue where it's come from. So why am I here writing about it, when I should be checking for leaks?

Edit: there's evidence that it's come from my nose again... Bah. Could live without nosebleeds. I don't even have the cocaine habit to justify why it's suddenly an issue again.

There's nothing like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to cheer you up. Don't tell Chris, but I wish Carson was my BFF.

Yesterday was funny; I only got about 4 1/2 hours sleep. It was difficult to stay focused through the day, but I think I managed. Once home, I was a bit more awake and when I went to bed, after reading for a bit, I tried sleeping but found that I started to think about things and started to feel a bit sick. I think I finally fell asleep about 11pm, early for me, but after getting up at 6.30am, it made for a long day.

In other news, I'm finding out just how mature my most recent ex is. (Answer; really not very) While it isn't helping me to answer a couple of things that are still bothering me, it has had the effect of helping me to realise just how pathetic and self-important he really is, and how far he really is from the version of him I had in my head all that time. Turns out the only similarity was that they look remarkably alike. The guy I was interested in had some redeeming qualities, such as empathy and compassion. In reality, he seems to have none of those, and without sleeping with someone behind my back (that I'm aware of) is virtually the same as Ben. I really need to rethink the people I'm attracted to.

The rules: Pick a band, then answer the questions using titles of songs by that band.

In a complete departure from all expectations, I'm gonna use the Smashing Pumpkins. I know. Sometimes, I even surprise myself.


Are you male or female? Daphne Descends

Describe yourself: Where Boys Fear To Tread

How do some people feel about you: Dreaming

How do you feel about yourself: Zero or Ugly, depending on how down on myself I'm feeling.

Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: X.Y.U.

Describe your current significant other: In The Arms Of Sleep

Describe where you want to be: By Starlight

Describe how you live: Try, Try, Try

Describe how you love: Speed Kills

What would you ask for if you had just one wish: Perfect

Share a few words of wisdom: The End Is The Beginning Is The End

Now say goodbye: Farewell And Goodnight

What curse word do you use the most?
I don't swear much. That said, 'fuck', 'bugger' and 'shite' are occasionally the only thing that comes to mind.

Do you own an iPod?
No, I'm not one to follow the crowd. I have a Sony Walkman, and continue to be deliberatly obtuse by sticking with it. It's purple.

What time is your alarm clock set for?
Usually 7.30, though I rarely have it on just now. This morning, it was set for 6.20 so I wouldn't be rushing to catch the bus at 7.50. I just made it.

What color is your room?
Lilac, though that's Mum's choice. The last bedroom I decorated was pink.

Flip flops or sneakers?
Flip flops in the summer, sneakers the rest of the time.

Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
Take the picture. I don't like photos of myself.

Do any of your friends have children?
Yes, many of them. The kids range in age from 33 to 1 and a bit.

Has anyone ever called you lazy?
Probably, and while they were probably overstating it, they weren't entirely wrong.

Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?
I tried over-the-counter stuff a while back, but now that I have a psychosomatic reation to taking pills, I just stay awake 'til 4am.

What CD is currently in your CD player?
Zeitgeist - Smashing Pumpkins, Volume 1 - Fear of Pop and Since I Left You - The Avalanches.

Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
Chocolate milk makes the coffee taste odd. Skimmed milk, as I loathe the taste and smell of milk.

Has anyone told you a secret this week?
No, that would involve having a proper conversation with someone.

Have you ever given someone a hickey?
No, though I have bitten hard enough to bruise.

Who was the last person to call you?
Chris, at lunchtime. We're playing phone tennis just now.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Without a doubt. I hope they're going all out and telling really fantastical stories about all the terrible things I've done to them and what a psychotic bitch I am. It'd be nice to have someone think I'm having an exciting, dramatic life. No, I'm not thinking of any specific people I knew a number of years ago that may have a sci-fi bent. Why would you think such a thing?

Did you watch cartoons as a child?
Yes. Was I supposed to stop when I got older? Narf.

How many siblings do you have?
1 brother.

Are you shy around the opposite sex?
Yes and no. Sex figures in that. If I fancy a guy, I go very quite, or babble inanities. If I don't, you can't stop me talking and I'm impressively funny and incisive.

What movie do you know every line to?
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. "Lookit mah sex-ay boh-day!"

Do you own any band t-shirts?
Yup, the L7 one I sleep in, a Manics one, a couple of Pumpkins' ones, a Chili's one and a Non-Zero one.

What is your favorite salad dressing?
Honey and mustard.

Do you read for fun?
Yes, I can't imagine a life where I didn't.

Do you cry a lot?
No, surprisingly. And when I do, I manage 2 tears and that's it. Unless I'm watching the very last episode of Fraiser, for some reason that has me blubbering for a good half hour.

Who was the last person to text message you?
Jen "Then it can count as experience. I think I'm drunk. X"

Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?
Desktop.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo?
Yes.

What is the weather like?
Mild and quite still. It'll get cold now that it's getting dark.

Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Yes, but not because they were covered in tattoos.

Is sex before marriage wrong?
If it is, I'm going straight to hell, do not pass Go, do not collect £200.

When was the last time you slept on the floor?
About May? The last time I was in Edinburgh.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
Surprisingly little, as long as I have enough coffee. Just now, it's been about 4 hours.

Are you in love or lust?
With whom?

Are your days full and fast-paced?
No, unless The Archers' counts as fast-paced.

Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
I read the numbers but forget immediately. I'd rather taste calories than count them.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
29

Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
Very.

Have you ever been to Six Flags?
No, we were going to go but it was closed that day.

Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
About the same, really. Sex isn't something I think about.

Do you like Cottage Cheese?
Yes.

Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back?
Side and tummy. I move a lot in the night, I think.

Have you ever bid for something on eBay?
Yes. Shoes mostly.

Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Very much so.

What song did you last sing out loud?
Get Him Back - Fiona Apple

What is your favorite TV show?
Robot Chicken or Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Which celebrity dead or alive would you want to have lunch with?
Billy Corgan. He'd be interesting to talk to and I like his sense of humour.

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
I can't recall a more recent time than when I was meant to be meeting someone for a picnic. I got the butterflies so bad, I was nearly sick. The picnic didn't happen so we 'watched DVDs' instead.

What one thing do you wish you had?
The life I have in my head.

Favourite lyrics?
Turn My Way - New Order (Google it if you like, I don't have the energy to link it, sorry)

When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in then start the water?
Water first.

Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?
Before I buy it yes, so I know what's in it.

Do you moan in the shower like the people on the Herbal Essences commercial?
Hardly. I rarely do that when I'm having sex, never mind shampooing.

Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?
Yup.

Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?
Used to share a bath with my brother 25 years ago.

Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?
No, I prefer to rinse with cold water.

Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?
Yup, it hurts more than you'd think it would.

How old do you look?
About 22 or 23, I gather. Been told as young as 18, which I think was a bit of an overstatement.

How old do you act?
Somewhere between 8 and 88, depending on context.

What’s the last song you sang?
Can't remember, though it was yesterday. And I burnt my fingers on my hair while doing so.

Have you recently become a member of anything?
Beyond the Feminist movement, not really. Does iMeem count?

What are your plans for the weekend?
Volunteer training, coffee-purchasing, knicker dancing.

Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?
Closed.

What's the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice?
Either the gap between her front teeth or that she's a woman in power.

Does anything on your body itch right now?
No, but my feet have been itching most of the day.

Who’s the sexiest famous woman alive?
Angelina Jolie. Or Nicole Kidman.

Who’s the sexiest famous man alive?
Johnny Depp is sexy personified. I also find Seth Green extremely sexy.

Does every family have a crazy uncle?
In their way, yes.

Have you ever smuggled something into America?
Nope. Not even Irn Bru.

Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive?
A bit, though more if it's the bass, for me.

Do you live in a city with a good sports team?
Depends on what you define as good, I suppose. Lots of people certainly think that Celtic and Rangers are 'good'.

Have you ever finished off the popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom of the bag?
No, it tends to hurt to bite down on it.

Have you ever had sex in a tent?
Nope.

What about in a boat?
Why would I be in a boat? Nope.

Have you ever dated a Goth?
Not in the sense that he wore eyeliner etc. Male Goths tend to be super-skinny, which generally makes me feel blobby.

Would you rather receive amazing oral sex or have amazing sex?
Amazing sex. I derive as much satisfaction from satisfying my partner.

Can you fix your own car?
I can change tyres on other people's cars. That's about it.

Would you want to kill George W Bush yourself if you were guaranteed to get away with it?
Nah, he's just the puppet. And I'm not a killer.

Should guys wear pink?
If they want to, yes. But does it have to be a Ben Sherman shirt over jeans?

Explain what ended your last relationship?
I'm still not sure myself. As far as I can tell, he couldn't (or maybe more accurately, didn't want to) deal with my depression.

When was the last time you shaved?
On Monday. I'm a bit stubbly.

What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Dreaming about having split ends.

What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
The last meme? Wasting time, at any rate.

Are you any good at math?
I can add and subtract reasonably well, and in my head. Beyond that, no.

Your prom night? what about? I was one of only 2 people not in black or red. One of the popular girls from the year below told me that I looked nice, we were equally stunned by that.

Do you have any famous ancestors?
Nope. Though someone a couple of generations back was a diver in the construction of Tower Bridge in London.

Have you had to take a loan out for school?
Yup, the Student Loans Company owns my soul.

Do you know the words to the song on your MySpace profile?
I think MySpace is lame when you're over about 20. So I don't have a profile.

Last thing received in the mail?
The black and pink shoes, I think.

How many different beverages have you had today?
Many cups of coffee and a glass of water.

Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine?
Sometimes, though I hate it.

Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
Blur, when I was 15.

Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No. I don't see the point, really.

What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had?
Being drilled with no anaesthetic.

What is out your back door?
The back garden. It has a little pond.

Any plans for Friday night?
No. Nor for the foreseeable Fridays either.

Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
No, I'm not a fan of volume.

Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Not sure, but I'd like to.

Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Yup, for about a week. Hanging them up to dry inbetween.

Some things you are excited about?
Finally getting the OK Go album, smelling Dirt, having a reason to wear that dress I got off eBay. The future, life finally improving. Gotta happen sometime, right?

What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Orange or lime. And raw, for preference.

Describe your keychain(s)?
One key, a keyring that says "Damn right I'm good in bed, I can sleep for days" that I used to keep my key to Ben's on; one that says "Being unstable and bitchy is all part of my mystique" that I used to keep work keys on and an Edward Monkton one that has "Happiness Vibes" on it that I was given as a Secret Santa gift.

Where do you keep your change?
In the change section of my wallet. And pennies, 2 pences and 5 pences go into bankies eventually.

When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
It's been a while... Can't recall just now.

What kind of winter coat do you own?
The Hello Kitty mac now!

What was the weather like on your graduation day?
I didn't graduate.

Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Closed, I can't sleep otherwise.

A is for Age: 28 and a halfish.

B is for Beer of choice: it's been a while since I last had beer, Stella's ok. Prefer cider or ale though.

C is for Career: hahahahahahahaha.... Up 'til a year ago, retail. Now, whatever I'm offered.

D is for favourite Drink: Coffee, fresh filtered, ideally. Or Smooth and Alluring (that's what I managed to misread Uplifting as) instant from Café Direct if there's nothing else going.

E is for Essential item you use everyday: my stereo, either to listen to the radio or my Walkman.

F is for Favourite song at the moment: Accidental Death by Rilo Kiley.

G is for favourite Game: Chuzzle, I have it on my phone and my score on the Zen game is crazy-high.

H is for Home town: Um... Glasgow, because I was born there.

I is for Instruments you play: Bass guitar, though I'm seriously thinking about the cello.

J is for favourite Juice: Pressed apple or Orange and Mango.

K is for Kids: None, and no intention of ever having any.

L is for Last kiss: on the platform of East Kilbride railway station, about 2 months ago.

M is for marriage: No. Not in this lifetime.

N is for full Name: Ah, that would be telling. I've picked my nom de plume though; Phoebe Hart. Because a lot of people think I'm actually called Phoebe and Hart is my paternal grandmother's maiden name.

O is for Overnight hospital stays: A long, long time ago when it was suspected I'd eaten rat-poison and a long time ago when I took too many paracetomol.

P is for phobias: Spiders and heights, though that's more about falling from a great height that wouldn't kill me on impact.

Q is for quote: "I do everything Fred does, but backwards and in high heels." Ginger Rodgers

R is for biggest Regret: I covered this recently. Mostly, pressing 'Send' when I shouldn't.

S is for Sports: I like to watch rugby, and not just because of the muscular thighs. That's as sporty as I'll ever get.

T is for Time you wake up: This week, 9am for some reason.

U is for colour of underwear: Right now? I'm not actually wearing any though I did have electric blue on earlier. The brighter the better. Or black.

V is for Vegetable you love: Can't go wrong with carrots, or sweetcorn. At the very least, it gives you a reason for having them in your vomit.

W is for Worst Habit: I pick at spots on my legs. I can almost get them behind my head.

X is for X-rays you’ve had: I've never kept count, but it's always been for my teeth. This year, 2.

Y is for Yummy food you make: the Genuine Howondaland Curry from Nanny Ogg's Cook Book. I can do a good salad dressing...

Z is for zodiac sign: Aquarius.

Elaborate on your default icon.
My profile photo's Pisces Iscariot (the Smashing Pumpkins B-sides album) on my Mum's record player. On a sunny day. I like vinyl. I don't know what inspired me to take the photo, but it looked good.

What’s your current relationship status?
Single. Nothing on the horizon, and no interest in looking.

Ever have a near-death experience?
Not really, no.

Name an obvious quality you have.
Very pale skin. The ability to walk fast.

What’s the name of the song that’s stuck in your head right now?
Le Grande Secret by Indochine and Melissa Auf der Maur's playing, but otherwise I'm still hearing 'One, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero..." from A Million Ways by OK Go at all times.

Name a celebrity you would marry.
I'd consider a long-term, commited relationship with Seth Green or Billy Corgan or David Tennant, but I wouldn't get married.

Who will cut and paste this first?
Pilfkin.

Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?
I was told a few months back that I looked like Anne Hathaway. Besides that, I'm not pretty enough to look celebrityish.

Do you wear a watch? What kind?
Yes, I have 2 Fossil watches. One is smaller and black with stars on the face and the other is pink with flames on the face. Well, it will have flames on the face when I get the batteries replaced. It still tells the time though.

Do you have anything pierced?
My ears, though the 3rd holes and the cartlidge piercing have all closed up some time ago. My nose, for 11 years now. I took out the tongue and lip piercings 10 months ago, because I thought it might make me a bit more employable. Worth it, obviously. I also had my belly button pierced a while back, but it got caught on my belt one day and there was blood...

Do you have any tattoos?
Yes, 2 so far and plans for more.

Do you like pain?
Not really, though I have quite a high pain threshold. Unless it's a papercut.

Do you like to shop?
With the right company, yes. And if I'm in the mood.

What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Q magazine and a Wispa in RS McColl's on the Common Green a couple of days ago. I remember Wispa's being bigger 20 years ago.

What was the last thing you paid for with your credit card?
I don't have a credit card, nor do I want one. I used my debit card in H&M the other day. Jeans and some HK fripperies, and a hat.

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
Mum, a little while ago. She thought she'd left their tickets for the walking festival. Turns out they were in the car.

What is on your desktop background?
A photo of my pink leopard bed sheet.

What is the background on your cell phone?
At the moment, the one that goes with the theme. It's black with floaty white lights, like the orbs they talk about on Most Haunted. I might change it to a photo of shoes.

What was the last movie you watched?
I watched a bit of Girl, Interrupted recently, but it got a bit uncomfortable. Before that, the last one I remember was The Man With Two Brains. I've recently mentioned my attitude to movie watching.

What was the last book you read?
I've part-read about 8, the last one I finished was Not On The Label by Felicity Lawrence.

When you’re home alone, do you still close the door when you go to the bathroom? Not always. It depends on whether someone might be coming home soon or not.

If you have to go grocery shopping, would you rather go alone or with someone? Alone. I can live without the looks of judgement when I buy a ton of ice cream.

It’s your best friend’s birthday, do you buy them a gift even though they didn’t buy you one for yours? Unless I've seen something that's perfect for them, probably not.

You win the lottery. Lump sum or small payments over a period of time? Lump sum. And an accountant to control it and make sure I don't end up with millions of shoes but nothing else after 3 months.

Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? Usually at a reasonable level. Unless I'm really pissed off.

Are you a beach person or a snowy mountain person? Snowy mountain. Unless it's a rainy day at the beach, then that might be quite nice.

When do you brush your teeth? In the morning. Also, when I feel like I need to.

Can you watch scary movies alone? Never really tried. Probably.

Soft bed or firm? Firm, or I can barely move when upright.

Would you rather stay home all day, or be out and about with some friends? Out and about, I'm bored of being home all day.

What’s one of your worst memories? Watching my Dad cry. The night of the drip that "might make you feel a little nauseous". Iain pinning me to the hallway floor. Iain shoving me into the towel rail and smashing my head into the bathroom tiles. They all tie with each other for 'worst'.

Do you like to keep the peace or be confrontational? Keep the peace, thanks to Iain.

Are you more likely to be with a large group of people or a few close friends? A few close friends. I don't do well in crowds.

What are your plans for October? Check for split ends. Listen to Radio 4. Watch the days get shorter. Wonder when something's going to happen to change all this.

If money were not a problem, where would you like to live? In my head, permenantly.

Are you close to your Mum and Dad? No, they're in Moffat. As they left the house, Mum asked if I was feeling ok, I wasn't depressed or anything? I lied and said no, because what else could I say? Really, what would telling the truth have done?

What is one fear that you can’t seem to overcome? Spiders still give me the heebies, though I did wonder how many webs can be made from the energy from one fly (spider metabolism isn't something I've ever thought about before) and didn't get all yicky. The vertigo's getting worse though.

Are you good at maths? No.

Do you kiss on a first date? Yes. Unless I don't fancy the guy.

Is there anyone that you regret ever meeting? Yes, Iain. That said, I wouldn't be who I am now.

Rate your life on a scale from 1 to 10? 6. Could be better, could be a lot worse.

Would you rather have roommates or live alone? Alone. I like to have the space to let it all go for a bit.

Do you like any of your friends a little more than just a friend? No. The only person I have even a passing interest in couldn't be counted as a friend.

Do you like to drive? Dunno, as I can't. I like to travel though.

Do you hate anyone at the moment? Nope. Your hate doesn't affect the person you hate, but it can give you ulcers. And bad karma.

Do you give money to homeless people when they ask? Sometimes. If they want to spend it on drugs, I can't blame them. I probably would if that was my life too.

A weekend in Las Vegas or Miami? No, thanks.

When you go to the store, do you have a list or just buy random things? I usually have a mental list of things and always forget at least one of them. And buy 6 other random things while I'm wandering about, trying to recall what that one elusive item is.

What do you wear to sleep in? Pjyamas or a long t-shirt. I have 3 that I keep for sleeping in; Dr. Evil, Pinkey and The Brain and L7 Off The Wagon.

You have 3 months left to live, what do you do? Visit all my friends and tell them what they mean to me. Write that damned book. Bitterly regret all the things I won't get to do. Plan my funeral.

You’re having a bad day, what’s one thing can make your day better? Right now, I'm having a tough time remembering. Shoes. Deceptacon by Le Tigre. 'Beaker has coffee'. Jar Jar Binks and Anipoopani on Robot Chicken. The bunny shoes. Having my back stroked. Being cuddled.

Tanning beds? Hardly.

Is there anything you would change about your body if you could? I'd get rid of the wobbly tummy and have my boobs de-sagged. And some work on the bit under my chin, make it a bit better defined. In the realms of impossibility, it's be nice to have a brian that didn't mess about with the serotonin so badly.

You wake up in an unfamiliar place, what is your first reaction? 'What time is it?' Most mornings I wake up and it takes me a few minutes to catch up, the surroundings make little difference.

Is there anything that you should be doing right now? Having a shower. Having a life that doesn't involve memes on a Friday night.

If there was a way to know when and how you’re going to die, would you want that information? No. Then you couldn't live like every day was your last, and where would the fun be?

What is your favourite breakfast food? Lunch. I don't really 'do' breakfast, haven't done since I was about 12. If it counts, at least 3 large cups of coffee.

Its 4 am, and your phone is ringing, who would it be? A wrong number. Or very bad news.

1. I don't use anti-perspirant. Haven't done for over 2 years now. I do use deoderant and shower regularly. Failing that, use a strong perfume. In fact, the last time I did use an anti-perspirant, for one day about 14 months ago, I got too warm and couldn't cool down and had a poorly placed rash from sweating in funny places and feeling generally clammy. Let's just say that walking chaffed and remeding it was quite easy as babies suffer something similar.

2. I fell off platform shoes in public, while stone-cold sober. In the middle of the road I was crossing at the time. A little old lady stopped to see that I was ok, which I was, but no-one else did. I nearly fell over again, laughing at myself.

3. A rat once peed in my ear. I was at some friend's house and we were playing a silly drinking game. They had pet rats and I had one on my shoulder. She was very shy and hid in my hair. I drunkenly turned to speak to someone and fell off the side of my chair. It must've been quite funny, because the others were splitting their sides. At some point as I fell or landed, the rat scuttled up the side of my head and relieved herself straight into my lughole. People nearly died, they were laughing so hard.

4. I've spent about 98% of today in my pyjamas. There didn't seem to be much point in getting dressed. The other 2%... I'll draw a veil over that, some things I don't care to share.

5. The way that public transport works out, I'm going to have about an hour to kill in Glasgow tomorrow morning, and no idea what to do with the time. I'm not amused.

(Filched from Astonished Head)

Ways To Tell About Your Head

• There's nobody around to notice how you've got your Jack Sparrow twiddly-fingers down cold, and when you notice, you realize that you've been doing it for quite some time without being aware of it at all.
  
• Giggling fits
  
• Your eyes keep crossing, but with a little effort, you can move around the apartment quite well
  
• With a little more effort and the clever placement of a straight-backed chair, you discover that you can read two books simultaneously
  
• Those books are "Prophets and Prophecy in the Ancient Near East" (left eye) and "An Illustrated History of Interior Decoration" (right eye)
  
• Occasionally, due to the aforementioned eye-crossing and a lapse in concentration, you fall over
  
• You find this amusing
  
• At some point in the recent past, you purchased and consumed an entire cheesecake
  
• You do not remember doing this
  
• Cheesecake is good
  
• The wind outside is clearly trying to tell you something
  
• Cookies?
  
• The rushing sensation of spirit trying to claw its way up your chest and out your neck
  
• A keen desire to let it do so...so that it can go to the store for cheesecake
  
• Or maybe cookies

In a way, I suddenly feel a little less lonesome now. I'm not the only one.

No nosebleeds. No anything, in fact. I had a look at the Job Centre website, and got throroughly depressed. Maybe I should look at moving away. Leaving the country isn't an option, unfortunately, as I have no skills or qualifications that make it likely I'd find work somewhere. And I've commited to the RCC for at least a year. I'm utterly fed up. I'm bored. I've also realised that the person I'm a bit in love with doesn't exist, and hasn't for years. The person he is now, I don't even know if I like. I'm just not feeling very positive about anything right now. But at least it cured me of the extreme horniness I was suffering a few hours ago.

For some reason, I felt really, really sleepy earlier, so I went to my bed and dozed off about 8.15 or so. I must've been really tired; I didn't finish the coffee Dad made me. I feel a bit sick now, though that could be as much that I ate a ridiculous amount of cheese at tea; made cheese on toast and ate most of the rest of the block while it was under the grill. Maybe I'm suffering from too much dopamine? Anyhoo... Before I fell asleep, I was sitting on my bed, reading Susan Brownmiller, when I felt an urge to wipe my nose. I think it actually counts as a nosebleed. My first in 12 years. The bit that worries me most is that my last nosebleed was huge, and became something of a medical emergency when it didn't stop after about 2 hours. The day before, I had a very small bleed, very much like today's. So tomorrow, I'll be mostly not blowing my nose.

Then, when I woke up, I started to think 'What if I die tomorrow?'. It could happen. That could be why I can never see myself getting married or having children. In the event that I do shuffle off this mortal coil tomorrow, or indeed anytime soon, I'd just like to make it known that I don't have a will, though I'd hope that my parents would let my friends have whatever they wanted. If someone thinks they can get away with putting any of my more prized and valuable possessions on eBay, I will come back to haunt your money-grubbing, empty existance. I expect the Smashing Pumpkins to feature heavily in the funeral proceedings, and would like The Everlasting Gaze to be the most prominent song. If possible, I'd like there to be lots of glitter and fairy lights, and if people must wear black, they have to wear brightly coloured (and fabulous) shoes. If those who take a shoe size 6 would like, they can wear a pair from my collection. I want someone to point out the irony of my sudden and unexpected death, given that I have tried to end it on 3 occasions, but now want to live to a grand old age and be a batty old maid with purple-tinted hair down to my waist and a pocket full of double lollies. For me, and people I feel like sharing with.

Perhaps I should cut down on the cheese.

More eBay shoes arrived a few days ago. Monday, I think. No, your eyes are not deceiving you, they are the same shoe as the turquoise leopard print ones. Just black with pink polka dots. Evidently. Ladylike, and yet still me. The universe will start collapsing in on itself shortly, you might want an umbrella or something. Speaking of protection from inclement weather...

LOOOOOOOK!

Boredom is a dangerous state. Let's just say that Threadless proved to be too great a temptation and I may yet have a hi-uge collection of t-shirts in a while. The day started quite promisingly too; there was a discussion about high energy physics on the radio when I switched on, and I didn't get utterly lost and fuddled by it. It's also the 50th anniversary since the launch of Sputnik, which for some reason makes me quite happy. Mum texted to say that she would meet me later and we'd go raincoat shopping. So, the question is, why do I feel like this? I've taken the tablet for today, I even ate quite early (a banana) which isn't something I can manage until about 1pm usually. I've ripped most of the CDs back to SonicStage. I haven't read any rape statistics that depress me (so far). My necklace tells me that someone, somewhere can't get me off their mind, which would be nicer if I knew who it was and could potentially reciprocate. I didn't have any disturbing dreams, quite the opposite in fact.

Perhaps I should go and listen to Deceptacon for a bit, see if that picks me up some.

The major downside to being single.

And of course, now that I've been taking my meds properly, and feeling relatively normal, my libido is also relatively normal. Perhaps this is the only circumstance where I'd prefer to be depressed.

Oh well. I have the Rabbit and I'm not afraid to use it (as long as no-one can hear the noise of it) but I'd still prefer to be sharing it with someone else. No, not the Rabbit, that could potentially be quite unhygenic.

There's a lot in my head right now, but I'm not sure I want to say any of it.

Hey, G, Y and P! 'My' letters! That said, I still prefer Lesley's suggestion of PsyGirl. Not only is it easier to say than Citalopram Girl, it also alludes to more than one power. Psychic or psychotic? Who can tell? I guess the barometer would be whether I've taken the tablets or not, though how does one communicate that to the citizens in need? Picture it... "I'm sorry, but I've been taking the tablets regularly, so I can't actually be psychotic PsyGirl for a couple of weeks or so yet. Want me to tell you what's likely to happen to you soon?" Perhaps I should hold off ordering the cape and the business cards for now...

Anyway. After the sugar-crazed digression in to the odder recesses of my imagination; the cards. I've just done a 7 card spread, which relates to the near future. A sort of headline, if you will.

The cards are: the Moon, the Fish, the Letter, the Tree, the Road, the Heart and the Lily. I'm guessing you can work out what some of them refer to as the imagery is quite uncomplicated in places. The Heart, for example.
So. The Moon can indicate an invitation of some sort, it also implies a gentle sense of good fortune. The feeling I get from it is standing in the full moonlight and feeling very peaceful and yet powerful. A stillness that can only happen when everything is as it should be. Needless to say, it's a positive sign. The Fish refers to finances. As the surrounding cards have no negative impact, it means that your fortunes are improving. In fact, next to the Letter, I'd say to expect some news that will have a positive impact on your financial situation. The Letter refers to news that you're waiting for, and that it will be good news. The Tree means a situation that is growing and improving but isn't quite 'there' yet, but it will soon bloom and reach it's fruition. It's also positive and bodes well. The Road suggests movement, either physically taking a short trip or a change of direction on a more figurative level. The Heart refers to love, unsurprisingly. The Lily can mean something professional or occasionally illness. I'm inclined to say that it means the latter in this case; that love will have a positive effect on illness. This is where what I actually know comes into play, I get a feeling that the relationship will give you strength to deal with it. It gives you a point of focus away from it.

So there you go, Pilf. Lots of good news, though I'm not sure what the Road means. And, get me, that was my first reading where I didn't have the book in my hand!

	Feebs -- [adjective]: Insatiable to the point of crazy
'How will you be defined in the Sexual Dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

I switched on the radio about 11am today, and heard that Operation Pentameter 2 is underway, with 3 trafficked women freed on Monday. In the first report I heard, they quoted Home Secretary Jackie Smith as saying that she wouldn't guarantee that the women and girls freed in the operation wouldn't be deported back to their country of origin. I can't remember the exact words, but it was along the lines of such a guarantee would act as an open invite to people wanting to come to the UK. This quote hasn't been mentioned again, and I have been listening out for it, as I couldn't quite believe I'd heard correctly.

Seriously. How many people are going to think 'I want to move to Britain. So, to do that, I'll borrow a huge amount of money (commonly several thousand pounds, all the more exorbitant when you think of where these women are coming from in the first place), and pay this man who's promising me a job in the UK. In doing so, my family will probably get themselves in debt. Once there, I'll be told that I have a massive debt to pay off and the only way to do so is to have sex with whoever I'm told to. That will probably be at least 10 men a day. If I under-perform in any way, I'll be beaten. I'll be exposed to all kinds of risks and denied medical treatment, and virtually every human right. But it's all worth it, because the British police might just raid the place where I'm being imprisoned, so I'll be released and granted indefinite leave to stay in the UK.'

Honestly. Find me one person who thinks that might happen, and I'll consider that the Home Secretary has a point. Until then, I'm going on the assumption she just fell foul of saying something without actually thinking about what she was saying.

---

In other news, I've rediscovered my affection for H&M (probably because I've lost sufficient weight to fit into their clothes again). I took a notion that I wanted to get a pair of black jeans. New Look still only cater for shorties and really tall girls, TopShop is a bit out of my price range and I don't even go to other places. Then I remembered that H&M had some Hello Kitty stuff, so thought I'd have a looksie, take my mind off how demoralising I find shopping for specific items of clothes. While browsing, I remembered that they tend to make their trousers with a slightly longer leg, so tried on the jeans. In addition to what I set out for, I also have a Hello Kitty makeup bag, HK nail files, HK glitter eyeliner and a purple beanie hat with black stars printed all over it. And I'm in the process of pestering my Mum to be generous and buy me a raincoat I saw. It's one of those plastic-coated mac things, dark blue and has little Hello Kitties printed all over it. I don't much mind the rain as it is; getting out of it and dry always feels good, but with this coat, I'll be out in the rain all the more!

Mum and Dad are off to a walking festival this weekend (I don't know either) so I have the house to myself again. I'm anticipating a lot of dancing in my pants (ok, that sounds like something else, but anyway...) as I haven't been able to for months and monthsandmonths, and the last opportunity I had, I was kind of too suicidally depressed to do any dancing, lunatic or otherwise.

I haven't had a decent look at the cards for a while; I'm going to go do that I think. As I seem to be Pilf's message service, I'll post what I get later, see if it makes any sense to you.

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

"Take every letter of your username, and then pick a song title that shares the same letter - but the song must have meaning!"

D: Dross - Smashing Pumpkins
"You say I'm beautiful, well I can't help it, you say I'm empty, we all know I'm full of shit"

E: Eau d'Bedroom Dancing - Le Tigre
"I'm in the sky when I'm on the floor, the world's a mess and you're my only cure, there's a time for me to act mature, the only words I know are more, more and more"

P: Paper Bag - Fiona Apple
"And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb, looking for a little hope, baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine, a fail to kiss is a fail to cope, I said 'Honey I don't feel so good, don't feel justified, come on put a little love here in my void', he said 'It's all in your head' I said 'So's everything' but he didn't get it, I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy'

P: Pictures Of You - The Cure
"I've been looking so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believe that they're real, I've been living so long with these pictures of you that the pictures are all I can feel"

R: Rhinocerous - Smashing Pumpkins
3 5 2 3 3 5 2 3... (the first tab I learnt)

E: Epic - Faith No More
It was on the mix tape I was given 15 years ago in Standard Grade English. From Claire Murphy.

S: Scar Tissue - Red Hot Chili Peppers
"I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl"

S: Space Walk - Lemon Jelly
It's unlikely (again, more likely to be posting racy photos) I'll ever be an astronaut, but I still have a childish dream of being in space.

O: Off The Wagon - L7
"hook up the Jagermeister I.V." Despite appearances at times, I'm not all doom, gloom and misery!

Step 1: Put your iPod /Tunes or MP3 player on random.
Step 2: Post the first line(s) from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.*
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING.**

*Blogger doesn't let you use strikeout.
** That's not a step, it's a rule. Pedantry is a dying art, but I refuse to give it up so easily.

1. Ok, skipping Brian Eno... and after the longest intro imaginable "On candy stripe legs the spiderman comes"
2. "There's a little part of me that's a little part of you" It's an old B-side, I wouldn't expect anyone to get it.
3. "I backed my car into a cop car the other day"
4. "You keep saying you've got something for me"
5. "When you're a stranger faces look ugly when you're alone"*
6. "Deffrwch Cymru cysglyd gwlad y gan"
7. "Ni Le Bien Qu'on M'a Fait, Ni Le Mal"*
8. "Ooh baby don't you know I suffer"
9. "When I passed you in the doorway you took me with a glance"
10. "Bloodhounds shall cruise rendevous"
11. "And I'm a black rainbow and I'm an ape of god"
12. "Evil, evil is his one and only name"
13. "I had an out of body experience the other day, her name was Jesus"
14. "Sunsets lost in skies of hazy greys"
15. "Sheepdog standing in the rain, bullfrog doing it again"
16. "I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend but I'm a little glowing friend"
17. "It's you that I adore, you will always be my whore"
18. "See her face everyday, see her face doesn't help me"
19. "I would die for you, I would die for you, I've been dying just to feel you by my side"
20. "Shakedown [...] cool kids never have the time"**

*The title's in the first line (and the 2nd in the French one) so it's the next 'safe' line.
** The title's in there too, so I've missed it out.

I've found a meme that I can totally humiliate myself with.

A list of 102 films that film critic Jim Emerson, a film critic, says you need to see before you can even think of calling yourself film-literate.

2001: A Space Odyssey
The 400 Blows
8 1/2
Aguirre, the Wrath of God
*Alien
All About Eve
Annie Hall
Apocalypse Now
Bambi
The Battleship Potemkin
The Best Years of Our Lives
The Big Red One
The Bicycle Thief
The Big Sleep
Blade Runner
Blowup
Blue Velvet
Bonnie and Clyde
Breathless
Bringing Up Baby
Carrie
Casablanca
Un Chien Andalou
Children of Paradise / Les Enfants du Paradis
Chinatown
Citizen Kane
A Clockwork Orange
The Crying Game
The Day the Earth Stood Still
Days of Heaven
Dirty Harry
The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie
Do the Right Thing
La Dolce Vita
Double Indemnity
Dr. Strangelove
Duck Soup
E.T. — The Extra-Terrestrial
Easy Rider
*The Empire Strikes Back
The Exorcist
*Fargo
*Fight Club
Frankenstein
The General
The Godfather, The Godfather, Part II
Gone With the Wind
GoodFellas
The Graduate
Halloween
*A Hard Day’s Night
Intolerance
It’s a Gift
It’s a Wonderful Life
Jaws
The Lady Eve
Lawrence of Arabia
M
Mad Max 2 / The Road Warrior
The Maltese Falcon
The Manchurian Candidate
*Metropolis
Modern Times
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Nashville
The Night of the Hunter
Night of the Living Dead
North by Northwest
Nosferatu
On the Waterfront
Once Upon a Time in the West
Out of the Past
Persona
Pink Flamingos
Psycho
*Pulp Fiction
Rashomon
Rear Window
Rebel Without a Cause
Red River
Repulsion
The Rules of the Game
Scarface (1932)
The Scarlet Empress
Schindler’s List
The Searchers
The Seven Samurai
Singin’ in the Rain
*Some Like It Hot
A Star Is Born
A Streetcar Named Desire
Sunset Boulevard
Taxi Driver
The Third Man
Tokyo Story
Touch of Evil
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
Trouble in Paradise
Vertigo
West Side Story
The Wild Bunch
*The Wizard of Oz

A score of 9/102. No, I'm not making it up. I have seen some other films in my life, including most of the Carry On series, somehow. It's just that when I'm presented with the option of sitting in a dark room for 2 hours or doing a hundred other things (ofter at the same time), I usually go for 'tother. We can't all be perfect.

1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. Press forward for each question
3. Use the song title as the answer
(Once again, using the Favourites playlist)

How am I feeling today?
Battle - Blur

Where will I get married?
My Way - Limp Bizkit (that either means Vegas or that I'll do things my way, as it's my way or the high way. Check out my melody...)

What is my best friend’s theme song?
The Golden Path - The Chemical Brothers feat. Wayne Coyle of the Flaming Lips. (One of my best friends is a friend of Dorothy, the other loves sparkly shoes...)

What was high school like?
Save The Population - Red Hot Chili Peppers

What is the best thing about me?
The Silly Song - The Muppets (that's cheered me up no end, even more than the Hello Kitty raincoat!)

How is today going to be?
Detachable Penis - King Missile (that good, huh?)

What is in store for this weekend?
Jane Says - Jane's Addiction (alas, not a version with steel drums, so it's lacking something... Much like my social life)

What song describes my parents?
International Rescue - Fuzzbox (surprisingly appropriate, though I'm not sure I'll ever completely rid myself of the mental image of my Dad in one of those blue uniforms...)

How is my life going?
My Monkey - Marilyn Manson (I'm rendered speechelss and wholly without amusing quip. It appears to be my Kryptonite...)

What song will they play at my funeral?
Set The Ray To Jerry - Smashing Pumpkins (it would be wonderful if only one person heard this song and thought of me, let alone all both of them at the service)

How does the world see me?
Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss - The Bloodhound Gang (I'll be sacking the publicity team then)

What do my friends really think of me?
The Gonk - Herbert Chappell (it's the music from the end of Dawn Of The Dead. Music for zombie pratfalls, if you're unfamiliar with it.)

Do people secretly lust after me?
Bitter Wine - L7 (not sure what that means, either no or as a form of self-punishment, perhaps?)

How can I make myself happy?
The Nobodies - Marilyn Manson (and now, I'm kind of dreading the next answer...)

What should I do with my life?
The Tide Is High - Blondie (appears to be a choice between making myself someone's number one, not giving up and so on, or on a more esoteric level, move to the Carribean, learn to play the steel drums and only drink rum out of coconuts and take to smoking mountains of grass. Self-abasement or a touch of sunburn... oooh, such a choice...)

Will I ever have children?
The Perfect Drug - Nine Inch Nails (I think that means 'only if I want to destroy myself in the process and go certifiably (and possibly criminally) insane. Bollocks to that, I'm booking a one-way ticket to Kingston!)

What is some good advice?
Ex-Girlfriend - No Doubt (horses, barn doors...)

What do I think my current theme song is?
We Used To Be Friends - Dandy Warhols (hmmm... the broadcast telepathy doesn't work on computers either)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Welcome To The Fold - Filter ("Mama give me my medicine, so I can feel like a tall, tall tree?" )

What type of men do I like?
Deceptacon - Le Tigre (excuse me while I go and cry with laughter... I suggest watching the video for this on YouTube. Bet you can't without thinking that the dance looks like fun, even for a second)

Will I get married?
I Touch Myself - The Divinyls (I'm taking that as a no, in the continuing theme of 'dancing' with myself)

What should I do with my love life?
Monkey Gone To Heaven - Pixies (that mountain of grass might actually have some practical use)

Where will I live?
Pushy - Lemon Jelly (with my mother??? Oh, ok, more likely alone and away from people)

What will my dying words be?
Blue Skies Bring Tears - Smashing Pumpkins (such a cheery outlook I take to death)

How’s my day going so far?
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me - U2 (lack of sleep will do that to you, though I have no sister to dress like and I take exception to the suggestion that I've been living like a tart. I don't have a shortcrust pasty base.)

How’s my love life?
Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe - Whale (Baby, we don't love you, baby, we don't love you, baby, we don't love you, yeah)

If your life had a soundtrack, what would the music be?
Here’s how it works:
1. open your library (iTunes, winamp, media player, iPod)
2. put it on shuffle
3. press play
4. for every question, type the song that’s playing
5. new question - press the next button

I'm going to express my individuality and use my Walkman as it's actually 1.35am and because of the user/interface error with the computer (also known as bashing your [the user] head off the keyboard [interface] in sheer frustration) all my songs will be from my Favourites playlist, as they are the only songs on the thing. Once I've got everything transferred, I'll have a proper go, but don't hold your breath, that could take A. Very. Long. Time.

Opening credits:
There's No Other Way - Blur

Waking up:
Everybody Hurts - R.E.M. (I'm really not a morning person)

First day at school:
She Has Eyes - L7

Falling in love:
Aisha - Death In Vegas (if the past is any indication of the future, the next one probably will be a murderer)

Breaking up:
Java Jive - The Puppini Sisters (coffee... men... no competition, really)

Prom:
Cherry Coloured Funk - Cocteau Twins

Life’s okay:
My Sharona - The Knack (this would be the 'dancing in my underpants' scene, so it's appropriate)

Mental breakdown:
She Hates Me - Puddle Of Mudd (relationships do seem to cause me no end of mental anguish and torment. Hence the opt out. And virtually all of my exes hate me.)

Driving:
More Human Than Human [NIN Remix] - White Zombie

Flashback:
Groove Is In The Heart - Deee-Lite

Getting back together:
Transcending - Red Hot Chili Peppers ("I called you here, you said fuck off" Evidently, this will be the scene that doesn't have the anticipated happy resolution.)

Wedding:
Monster - L7 (that'll get the pensionable relatives moving)

Birth of child:
Venus As A Boy - Björk (..... 40 weeks late, surely?)

Final battle:
Non-Existant Patricia - L7

Death scene:
Lunchbox - Marilyn Manson

Funeral song:
Death Is Not The End - Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds (honest!)

End credits:
Enjoy The Silence - Depeche Mode

What’s a great late night song?
Porcelina of the Vast Oceans - Smashing Pumpkins

Name 5-10 wistful/bittersweet songs:
I Miss You - blink 182
Pictures Of You - The Cure
Shame - Smashing Pumpkins
Eau d'Bedroom Dancing - Le Tigre
Drown - Smashing Pumpkins
Try, Try, Try - Smashing Pumpkins
I Of The Mourning - Smashing Pumpkins
Cup Of Coffee - Garbage
Breathe Me - Sia
The End Of The World - Nina Gordon

The 4 Best Songs Ever Written:
Hallelujah - Leonard Cohen
A Day In The Life - The Beatles
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
Across The Universe - The Beatles

3 Current Favorite Songs:
Right at this moment; A Million Ways - OK Go, 7 Shades Of Black - Smashing Pumpkins, In These Shoes- Kirsty MacColl
In more general terms; Jane Says - Jane's Addiction, Turn My Way - New Order, Mayonaise - Smashing Pumpkins

Classic Early Evening Drinking Music:
I have no idea what that means. In that kind of scenario, I put the Walkman on shuffle and whatever plays, plays.

3 All Time Faves That Never Get Old To You:
Pretend We're Dead - L7
Today - Smashing Pumpkins
Feed The Tree - Belly

Song You Want (or did) To Play At Your Wedding:
Like for a first dance? I could make a reference to dancing with myself, I suppose. (I think it's a Billy Idol song, Nouvelle Vague covered it.) Anyway, not wanting a wedding means I can't really answer that!

4 Records You Really Dug from 2006:
Confessions On A Dancefloor - Madonna
Stadium Arcadium - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Black Holes & Revelations - Muse
Straight Outta Lynwood - Weird Al Yankovic

Favorite Records From This Year So Far:
Zeitgeist - Smashing Pumpkins
Send Away The Tigers - Manic Street Preachers
Year Zero - Nine Inch Nails
We Are The Night - The Chemical Brothers

Good Angry Songs:
Break Stuff - Limp Bizkit (no sniggering in the back!)
Killing In The Name - Rage Against The Machine
Shitlist - L7
Kiddy Grinder - Marilyn Manson
Amerika - Rammstein

One of Your Favorite Lyrics:
"I don't want to be like other people are, don't want to own a key, don't want to wash my car, don't want to have to work, like other people do, I want it to be free, I want it to be true" from Turn My Way, New Order.

5 Cover Songs Arguably Better Than the Original:
Dreaming - Smashing Pumpkins
Down With The Sickness - Richard Cheese
I'm So Excited - Le Tigre
Whiskey In The Jar - Metallica
Across The Universe - Fiona Apple

Ironic Song to Brutally Murder Someone to in a movie:
I wouldn't be killing anyone in my movie, just perhaps giving them a verbal lashing, so Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head - Manic Street Preachers

Great Dance Song You Maybe Never Realized Was a Great Dance song Back in the Day:
Temple Of Love - Sisters Of Mercy (you can do the Locomotion to it)

Good Album to Clean The House To:
I'll get back to this one after I've done some cleaning...

Good Dining Music:
When The Pawn... - Fiona Apple

Good Album To Love On Each Other To:
Back in the day, Enigma did the trick... Auf der Maur - Auf der Maur works better now though. Chris recommended Massive Attack.

A Good Album To Put You In the Mood (that is NOT Sade, Marvin Gaye or Barry White):
Didn't I just answer this? Auf der Maur's eponymous debut...

Good Album To Sleep To:
Dawn To Dusk (the first CD of Mellon Collie) and Adore - Smashing Pumpkins
Rockabye Baby! The Lullaby Renditions of The Smashing Pumpkins

5 Good Rock Songs That You Can Dance To:
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy - Revolting Cocks
Closer - Nine Inch Nails
Wicked Game - HIM
Ava Adore - Smashing Pumpkins
Du Hast - Rammstein

Song That Is Too Damn Sad:
Broken Heart - Spiritualized
Blank Page - Smashing Pumpkins

Great Love Song:
Stand Inside Your Love - Smashing Pumpkins
Honorable Mention:
Tarantula - Smashing Pumpkins

Song To An Ex That Isn’t Meanspirited:
Perfect - Smashing Pumpkins

Song To An Ex That Is Kinda Meanspirited:
Paper Bag - Fiona Apple

Song to Listen to While in The Country Looking at Stars:
Subterranean Homesick Alien - Radiohead

Song to lose your mind to:
In My Body - Smashing Pumpkins
Climbing Up The Walls - Radiohead

Song To Cry In Your Pillow to:
Soma - Smashing Pumpkins
Daphne Descends - Smashing Pumpkins
Winter In My Heart - VAST

Songs That Make You Feel Amped and Inspired:
Deceptacon - Le Tigre
Doomsday Clock - Smashin Pumpkins
(Can't You) Trip Like I Do - Filter & The Crystal Method
Alarm Call - Björk
Baby Let's Rock - Zwan
Turn My Way - New Order
Jane Says - Jane's Addiction
Mayonaise - Smashing Pumpkins

Great Semi-Obscure B-side:
Speed Kills and Here's To The Atom Bomb, both by the Pumpkins

Song That Makes You Miss Your Mom:
We Only Come Out At Night - Smashing Pumpkins (there's actually a reason to this, other than it's by the Pumpkins)

That’s Baby Makin’ Music (No, Really):
Venus As A Boy - Björk

Criminally Underrated Band That Didn’t Get Attention and Then Broke Up:
Le Tigre, L7 (not that they didn't get attention, but they had 3 studio albums after Bricks Are Heavy yet they are only remembered for flashing on The Word and throwing a used tampon into the crowd at Reading)

Best 'Screw You I Am a Teenager in Pain' Song:
Last Resort - Papa Roach

Feel No Shame, Great Current Pop Songs:
My fingers are firmly off the pulse of the hit parade these days!

Album No One Would Expect You To Love:
Confessions On A Dancefloor - Madonna
Music To Watch Girls By - Andy Williams
Hooray For Boobies - The Bloodhound Gang

Album No One Would Expect You To Dislike:
Let It Come Down - James Iha
Spice World - The Spice Girls

Album No One Would Expect You To Really Know:
Kundun soundtrack - Philip Glass

Emo Album You Actually Like:
Infinity On High - Fall Out Boy

Good, But Overrated Cause Of Indie Revisionism:
Pablo Honey - Radiohead

5 Desert Island Discs off the top of your head (30 sec clock):
I'm going with the Radio 4 meaning of discs;
Turn My Way - New Order
Jane Says [Live] - Jane's Addiction
Mayonaise [Acoustic] - Smashing Pumpkins
In Love - Fear Of Pop
Deceptacon - Le Tigre

3 Contemporary Artists That Were Your Faves 10 Years Ago:
Smashing Pumpkins
Blur
Manic Street Preachers

Music That Makes You Feel Sophisticated:
Angelo Badalamenti

Fave Electronic Record You Own:
Witching Hour - Ladytron

Hip-Hop Song You Know All the Lyrics Too:
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley

Random Album You Loved In High School But Are Afraid To Admit It:
Perhaps if I hadn't admitted it, high school would've been easier? Hungry For Stink - L7 and Hormonally Yours - Shakespear's Sister

Album You May Have Listened To More In High School than Any Other Album:
Hungry For Stink - L7

If You Could Enter A Wrestling Ring to a Song It Would Be:
In Theses Shoes - Kirsty MacColl

Album To Clear A Room With:
Assuming I want to have the room to myself, Spice World or Aphex Twin. To be first out the room, anything by Oasis. Or Meatloaf.

Not only do I have to go through the whole rigmarole of transferring the music files again, all the CDs that have been ripped since I moved here have to be re-ripped because there's some glitch that means I can neither access them or move them, so they are effectively gone. I wiped the memory earlier, not even beginning to anticipate any problems. I knew I didn't have enough time to transfer everything, so I threw together my favourites playlist, 563 songs. Of that, 515 have successfully transferred. The only way to find if a track need replacing is if it won't play.

I. Am. Going. To. Cry.

Name your top 10 most played bands on iTunes (Or Last.FM):
Bah, haven't looked at Last.fm for a while and I don't use iTunes (I'm capable of independent thought, you see) So I'll use the information that SonicStage gives me...
1. Smashing Pumpkins
2. VAST
3. Le Tigre
4. Jane's Addiction
5. Björk
6. Manic Street Preachers
7. Blur
8. Red Hot Chili Peppers
9. L7
10. Foo Fighters

What was the first song you ever heard by 6?
Probably Motorcycle Emptiness. It was definitely before Richey vanished.

What is your favorite album of 2?
Nude, I think. It's beautiful and it has Thrown Away and Winter In My Heart on it, the 2 best songs about heartbreak I've ever heard.

What is your favorite lyric that 5 has sung?
Um... either "I don't know my future, after this weekend. And I don't want to." or "it's sometimes just like sleeping, curling up inside my private tortures, I nestle into pain"

How many times have you seen 4 live?
Never.

What is your favorite song by 7?
Coping, from Modern Life Is Rubbish.

What is a good memory you have involving the music of 10?
The first time I listened to Everlong after breaking up with Iain. I took it back.

Is there a song of 3 that makes you sad?
Eau d'Bedroom Dancing, because unrequited love is a law unto itself.

What is your favorite lyric that 2 has sung?
Either "And now I'm left, like a flag on top the moon" which evokes intense loneliness or "I can't find all the pieces of my broken life, but I try, I try". Do I need to explain that one?

How did you get into 3?
I did a search on Frostwire for 'covers' and it threw up I'm So Excited. It went from there.

What was the first song you heard by 1?
Today, when the girl next to me in Standard Grade English made me a mix tape after finding out that I liked L7. It changed my life, that tape.

What is your favorite song by 4?
Dur, that's a bit of a no-brainer. Jane Says. I have a very soft spot for steel drums because of that song.

How many times have you seen 9 live?
None. And they're now on a permenent hiatus.

What is a good memory you have involving 2?
Dancing to Free after finally breaking up with Iain. And yelling along with the lyrics.

Is there a song of 8 that makes you sad?
Don't Forget Me. It's about heroin but it reminds me of what cutting used to be in my life.

What is your favorite album of 5?
Homogenic. Just now it is, anyway.

What is your favorite lyric that 3 has sung?
"Who took the bom from the bompalomp? Who took the ram from the ramalamadingdong?"

What is your favorite song of 1 ?
That's just a bit too hard. Set The Ray To Jerry, Doomsday Clock, The Everlasting Gaze, 1979, Here's To The Atom Bomb, In My Body, Shame, Daphne Descends, Crush, Mayonaise, Soma, Cherry, Pennies, 7 Shades Of Black...

What is your favorite song of 10?
Low has just shuffled on, but not that! Everlong maybe.

How many times have you seen 8 live?
Twice. When they were touring By The Way and then when they 'hosted' a day at Glasgow Green.

What is your favorite album of 1?
Adore or Mellon Collie

What is a great memory you have considering 9?
Having my 'problem' answered on the problem page section of smelll7.com. I didn't much like the answer though.

What was the first song you heard by 8?
Under The Bridge more than likely, as it's the most played song they wrote ever. And I don't live under a rock or on Mars.

What is your favorite cover by 2?
So far as I know, they've never recorded any covers. My favourite cover by the Pumpkins though, would be Never Let Me Down.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what’s actually next to you.

*goes to get a book*

"Boyle's The Skeptical Chymist (1661) derided the occult and obfuscating tendencies of the alchemists in favour of a rational, mechanical theory of matter, according to which the world could be seen to behave like 'a great piece of clockwork'."

And that's one of the shorter sentences in H2O: A Biography Of Water by Philip Ball. It was on the top of the pile by my bed.

Everytime I cough, I feel like something's about to pop in my head.

Because of the messing about with the PC, I had to reinstall SonicStage. And rescan the library. So I have to wipe the Walkman and start again, or it'll try to transfer everything again, as it'll be a 'different' file. Now I really feel like something will pop in my head. It really doesn't help that I couldn't sleep 'til about 4am and between the window cleaners, the bin men and my Dad wanting to go out for a walk, I was awake before 9am. I worked out why I was feeling the blues yesterday; I forgot to take my meds. I still have yet to take todays, which is probably why I feel so... detatched and distracted. I can't seem to keep my attention on any one thing for more than about 7 seconds and then it's totally forgotten. It's either that or I have some goldfish in my ancestry.

So, list of things to get done by 3.30: laundry out to dry, shower, dry and straighten hair, work out what to wear for the day as a Pinky and The Brain t-shirt is very comfy to sleep in but I feel I may need more than that when I go out later...