November 2008 Archives
I don't think I'll be blogging much again, if ever. There's no point. When I started this, no-one knew about it, much less read it. It was a place where I could get all the stuff in my head out, a safe place. Now it's not that. I don't feel that I can write how I feel anymore. I have no outlet for the feelings I have as I see Ken fold up his shirts to pack from the corner of my eye. I knew it would always end this way, I have done for years.
I'd say it's been fun, but it doesn't feel like that.
We watched some of the Planet Earth DVDs that I got for Dad last Christmas recently. We've managed about two episodes, I think, and keep falling asleep. It's like the DVD of Clara Rockmore all over again...
Anyway.
This clip stuck in my mind because of the terrible beauty of the shark; the way it appears from nowhere, does the job and vanishes. I recall seeing a documentary on Discovery about it, the folks who study sharks only discovered that they breech and fully leave the water relatively recently, and it's still more recently that it's been caught on film.
But the thing that has brought it to mind very recently is that I've been suffering odd episodes. Ordinary, unremarkable things keep making me remember things long forgotten and I.... well... I freak out. My body tenses up, I panic and I have no way to stop it until it's ready. A couple of weeks ago, I couldn't even sit down because the muscles in my legs had seized up. I'm pretty sure that these are what would be called flashbacks. Traumatic memories are making their way to the surface. Why now, I have no idea. I think that working with Rape Crisis loosened the mortar holding the bricks, and meeting a wonderfully supportive, feminist partner has meant that the walls can crumble. I know it's very hard on Ken. The triggers are so unexpected, so random, that I'm surprised he doesn't just run away and cut off all contact. But for the first time in at least 15 years, I have unequivocal support from the person who says they love me. I'm in a safe place and the value of that shocks me everyday, and makes me want to weep for what has gone before. Because of two sexual assaults, at least one rape, 2 years of an abusive relationship, I've never had the healthiest attitude to sex. I've often hated it, because I've been coerced into it more times than I can remember. Even by people who knew about my history and claimed to give a damn, but are too vested in the patriarchy to understand that my body isn't a recepticle for their sexuality, or indeed, their sperm. Ben, I know you'll read this at some point, because you've been reading my blog lately. You're pathetic. And a rapist. Please just crawl under a rock and die, now. Kthxbai. Ama, I know you'll be reading this too, you're evidently obsessed with my blog, given the amount of time you spend reading it, and how far back you've read. Do me a favour and quit commenting, and don't even think of trying to give me your opinion on thius post. I don't care what you think and right now, your poor attempts to change my mind or to silence me or whatever it is you hope to achieve by making silly comments you know I won't post will more than likely be potentially damaging. FYI, making your own blog is free. We both know that your blog won't be half as witty, or as funny, or even as well-read as mine (you know I have 6 regular readers, of which you are one), but the internet's like that. Please, make your own blog and leave me alone.
Of course, I had to send a photo to my brother. He says higher power. I think he's leaving a trail of broken hearts at Swizzel's Matlow...
Jings, crivvens and help ma boab, you should feel priviledged; 2 posts in a week! Doubling the dosage of my meds has had some dubious side-effects (I sleep like the dead for most of the day now) but when I am awake, I'm feeling a bit more normal. In fact, I've just this minute emailed a letter to the Guardian. Yes, I read something and was that moved that I wrote to a national newspaper. I have absolutely no expectation of my letter being printed, in whole or in part, but as Ken says, someone has to read it. Hopefully. Assuming they don't use some automated system of some sort. No, I have no idea how that would work either.
Anyway.
The article that they published was just a short piece, based on a Home Office report that was published on Friday there. Statistics that the HO came up with show that 16% of all reported violent incidents are domestic violence. Right, so. They want to put in place exit support and have removed the legal aid caps in DV cases. Good news. Ditto the specialist courts, even if a conviction may not neccessarily mean any meaningful jailtime or punishment. It's still moving in the right direction. There's a couple of things in this short article, though, that make me feel... well...
It's not the facts reported, it's the way they're reported. The focus of the sentence shifts from the abuser ("... involve repeat offending...") to the victims. Which has echoes of "Why doesn't she leave?", shifting the blame for the abuse from the abuser onto the abused. Instead of wasting what could be precious time for an abused partner wondering why they're still there, why not spend more time and energy on why the abuser keeps on abusing? What makes them think that it's ok to do these things? How can we, as a society, stop them from abusing? How can we stop future generations from thinking it's acceptable to abuse their 'loved' ones? How can we get abusers to take responsiblity for their actions, instead of blaming their partners for 'making them do it' when as a whole, society is generally taking their side and going "Yeah, what did you do? Why won't you leave?"
And the thing about the article that has me picking the wrist rest out of my hippocampus? The clued-up, we're-taking-this-issue-seriously-and-really-going-to-make-a-change quote from Alan Campbell, junior Home Office minister. The bit after "putting victims at the heart of the legal system" (don't make me laugh, Mr. Campbell, I'm apparently lacking a sense of humour).
Mr. Campbell, I can save you a lot of time and thousands in taxpayers'. Potential victims can be anybody, as long as they have a pulse. That's the only unifying factor. Yes, it's mostly women who are victim of domestic abuse, but about 8% of reports come from men. It happens in marriages, long-term relationships, co-habitations. Heterosexuals, homosexuals, transexuals. Upper class, middle class, working class. Christian, Muslim, Hindu, athiest, agnostic, pastafarian, Jedi. Getting the drift?
Here's a clue for free - try identifying potential abusers, addressing the circumstances which allow certain people to think that it's ok to behave in that way to the person they're supposed to love so dearly. And please hurry up about it; each week that you dilly-dally, trying to figure out what makes someone prone to being abused by their partner, at least 2 people will die. And I'm not even trying to include the suicides that occur because of this kind of abuse. For a lot of people, it really is a life and death matter. Please take it seriously and do something.
Anyway.
The article that they published was just a short piece, based on a Home Office report that was published on Friday there. Statistics that the HO came up with show that 16% of all reported violent incidents are domestic violence. Right, so. They want to put in place exit support and have removed the legal aid caps in DV cases. Good news. Ditto the specialist courts, even if a conviction may not neccessarily mean any meaningful jailtime or punishment. It's still moving in the right direction. There's a couple of things in this short article, though, that make me feel... well...
"Almost three quarters of incidents of domestic violence (73%) involve repeat offending, with over one in four victims (27%) attacked three or more times."
It's not the facts reported, it's the way they're reported. The focus of the sentence shifts from the abuser ("... involve repeat offending...") to the victims. Which has echoes of "Why doesn't she leave?", shifting the blame for the abuse from the abuser onto the abused. Instead of wasting what could be precious time for an abused partner wondering why they're still there, why not spend more time and energy on why the abuser keeps on abusing? What makes them think that it's ok to do these things? How can we, as a society, stop them from abusing? How can we stop future generations from thinking it's acceptable to abuse their 'loved' ones? How can we get abusers to take responsiblity for their actions, instead of blaming their partners for 'making them do it' when as a whole, society is generally taking their side and going "Yeah, what did you do? Why won't you leave?"
And the thing about the article that has me picking the wrist rest out of my hippocampus? The clued-up, we're-taking-this-issue-seriously-and-really-going-to-make-a-change quote from Alan Campbell, junior Home Office minister. The bit after "putting victims at the heart of the legal system" (don't make me laugh, Mr. Campbell, I'm apparently lacking a sense of humour).
"But we know there is still more to be done, particularly in the area of prevention by better identifying potential victims - working with police and victim support agencies."
Mr. Campbell, I can save you a lot of time and thousands in taxpayers'. Potential victims can be anybody, as long as they have a pulse. That's the only unifying factor. Yes, it's mostly women who are victim of domestic abuse, but about 8% of reports come from men. It happens in marriages, long-term relationships, co-habitations. Heterosexuals, homosexuals, transexuals. Upper class, middle class, working class. Christian, Muslim, Hindu, athiest, agnostic, pastafarian, Jedi. Getting the drift?
Here's a clue for free - try identifying potential abusers, addressing the circumstances which allow certain people to think that it's ok to behave in that way to the person they're supposed to love so dearly. And please hurry up about it; each week that you dilly-dally, trying to figure out what makes someone prone to being abused by their partner, at least 2 people will die. And I'm not even trying to include the suicides that occur because of this kind of abuse. For a lot of people, it really is a life and death matter. Please take it seriously and do something.
