October 2009 Archives
So, I was just idly looking at StatCounter, faintly curious in the google searches that brought people to my humble blog. Humble? Actually, no. Strike that. My blog will take over the world one day and it will replace false tracts and greatest stories never told. (Off topic; isn't it funny how the bible is referred to as 'the greatest story ever told'? You know, like a fairy story? Tall tale? Or story written by a bunch of white, het, able-bodied, cis, narrow-minded men,
edited as needed by white* men and perpetuated to continue the perceived import of these white* men?)
Needless to say, especially at weekends, some of the visits take on more ickky qualities. That land at the post I wrote when George Carlin died. The very idea of porn involving men pissing in women had made my stomach very unhappy, and misery loves company which is why I'm not being more discrete about it. But there was one other link that wasn't likely full of spyware and malware upon clicking: Urban Dictionary. Where I happened upon this gem of an entry... The XX Manifesto. Or, to be proper about it, THE XX MANIFESTO, seeing as the author was obviously in too much of a tizz about teh females to realise that Caps Lock was on. Reading on, I'm surprised he calmed down enough to fix the sticky key, because, michty me, does he have a chip on his shoulder. And it's all so splendid, I'm just going to copy/paste the whole thing, for context, for laughs and for to add a commentary...
Gotta love the internets.
*I'll use 'white' as shorthand for the indication of the wide variety of privileges enjoyed by white men who are also heterosexual, cis-gendered, able-bodied (and yet, so often unhealthy) and so on. Look up kyriarchy for more.)
edited as needed by white* men and perpetuated to continue the perceived import of these white* men?)
Needless to say, especially at weekends, some of the visits take on more ickky qualities. That land at the post I wrote when George Carlin died. The very idea of porn involving men pissing in women had made my stomach very unhappy, and misery loves company which is why I'm not being more discrete about it. But there was one other link that wasn't likely full of spyware and malware upon clicking: Urban Dictionary. Where I happened upon this gem of an entry... The XX Manifesto. Or, to be proper about it, THE XX MANIFESTO, seeing as the author was obviously in too much of a tizz about teh females to realise that Caps Lock was on. Reading on, I'm surprised he calmed down enough to fix the sticky key, because, michty me, does he have a chip on his shoulder. And it's all so splendid, I'm just going to copy/paste the whole thing, for context, for laughs and for to add a commentary...
THE XX-MANAFESTO IS THE SINGLE MOST GREATEST BOOK EVER TO COME OUT OF
GOLDMAN UNION CAMP INSTITUTE. [A summer camp run but the Union for Reform Judaism, so clearly we're dealing with a mature, astute and not-at-all hormonally charged mind here. Also a debatable claim - this manifesto would make a rather disappointing book and I'm sure other campers kept diaries, no?] IT COMSISTS [sic] OF A POOR SOUL(S) [just so we know we're not talking about him, oh no! It's not personal!] WHO GOT
SCREWED BY THE FEMALE [ok, maybe it is? Or that's one busy 'female'. Female what, you may wonder? Banana? Elephant? Kitten? It's probably safest to guess that he's really referring to the female of the human species so 'woman'. Or 'girl', no idea of the ages involved here]. THE XX-MANAFESTO IS A WARNING TO ALL MEN THAT
MEN ARE FROM MARS [are they? Huh. The things you learn...], WOMEN [oh, she's a woman now!] ARE FROM HELL [Obviously, only if you conform to a faith-based life; 'hell' as a concept only strikes fear into the hearts of the faithful, not the rest of us. Unless he means that women are from somewhere where they are never safe, their very existance plauged by the knowledge that they might at any moment find themselves in a situation beyond their control, where they may die or be attacked simply for being themselves in the wrong place? So women = from Earth, anywhere on it.] HERE NOW IS THE XX-MANAFESTO...
Men are from Mars, Women are from Hell [It is his mantra. Not great for meditation though.]
The XX Manifesto [Not MANifesto? Ah well.]
1. Any of three females will set out on a mischievous task after meeting you. The tasks make you fall in love helplessly with them. It’s all a game. [Guess who met 3 girls/women at camp, and fancied all three. The 'game' they 'played'? Most likely, just being themselves.]
2. Given the opportunity, a female will not hesitate to turn into a weasel [Wow! They shapeshift?] in a shameful attempt to cover her own follies. [Whereas, writing an Urban Dictionary entry with your 'manifesto' is entirely morally upstanding and the proper thing to do!]
3. edited [I wonder what it said? Who edited? Was it forced? Was it too much 'truth' for teh internets?]
4. In the event that your best friends meet your new-found “goddess", beware [Oh yes, better beware!]. For she will promptly transform into the puppeteer [gosh, she really is omnipotent], making your friends mindless drones functioning solely based on libido [See? Teh wimminz, abusing their power of... um...?]. (See #16-The Grand Inquisitor) [The KKK get involved later? My eyebrow, it is raised.]
5. A female [Cheetah? Gazelle? Oryx? Platypus?] will rarely present a statement free of bias [Yeah, most of their statements are inherently biased towards survival. *the sound of my sides starting the split* Oh, the unintentional irony! It stings!]. Opinion will always creep into her explanation of everything. [*sounds of further side-rending*]
6. edited [Dammit! The Man is keeping the truth down!]
7. Put in a new situation (i.e. camp) [Not at all alluding to a certain set of circumstances in anyway. It's just an example. Right?] in which other friends have been involved for several years, the “newbie bitch” [Quite the graduation, no? From 'female' to "newbie bitch" in one Manifesto point!] will immediately assume she has the right to annihilate any and all bonds previously created. [Or maybe your 'friends' didn't like you *that* much, huh?]
8. Shortly thereafter, said “newbie bitch” will deface male property [Your guess is as good as mine, but it could be that she dared to write on a piece of paper (everything is male property, after all) or in her diary (remember, the other books that came out of this camp?) that she fancied this other guy?] under the false pretense of superior ownership. [Imagine that! A woman daring to believe herself superior to this fine specimen of masculinity!]
9. In the event that you become warped into a scapegoat [He's warped, alright. His word, not mine!], the female’s once affectionate family [He met the family?] will lose any and all respect, care, and compassion towards you. [They'll do that if you treat their daughter like shit. Funny, that.]
10. When you get romantically involved with an “innocent lamb,” [Now, did she know they were "romantically involved?"] she will turn into a vicious Tasmanian devil that will devour all of your friends. [Must've been carnage, a bloody mess... And again, are you sure they're your friends?]
11. edited [Awwww, not again. Enquiring minds need to know what pearls of wisdom dropped from this pig!]
12. Once the female [Seriously, are we talking about a person here? Or what?] becomes sexually intimate with the “weak link” [Way to talk about someone you call a friend, eh?] all pride resulting from previous encounters is instantly nullified. [Better sand out all those bedpost notches then...Oh, hang on, he's talking about meaningful and heartfelt glances and silent exchanges between them, and all those times he was the Nice Guy]
13. At social engagements when the female is around new company, prepare for the worst. She will heartlessly and cruelly use her “innocence” as a tool to further distance you from fading comrades. [Because it's a war! A war in which men are communists! And women are Tasmanian Devils FROM HELL!!!!11!!111!!! And by 'tool', he means 'weapon'. Obviously.]
14. The female deceives through usefully speaking euphemisms such as “I love you” and “you will be my best friend if…” Consequently, you are helpless and your actions are beyond your own consciousness. [BEHOLD THE POWER! Who knew that saying such things as "I love you" and "You'll be my best friend if..." meant you took control of other people's minds! Careful who says such things to you, you may find yourself doing things that you NEVER would otherwise. Such as eating live baby chicks, or jumping down the middle of the road, naked on a pogo stick, in the middle of rush hour. Singing the assorted hits of Iron Maiden.]
15. Hypocrisy: Male-dependant feminism. [See, for feminism to work and achieve it's aims (total equality across the genders) men have to get involved. How is that hypocritical? Explain it to me. Oh. We've going with short, sweet and inscrutable...]
16. In the event the bitch corners you and your friends, she will stop at nothing to obtain any information she deems useful and/or entertaining. In this state, the bitch can be commonly referred to as “The Grand Inquisitor.” [Here's the KKK! As a female dog. Do they make dog-sized hoods? Actually, forget that, I don't want to know.]
17. Corruption of innocence is in the eye of the beholder. [So... You're the corrupter of innocence? Or it's only your perception? Short, sweet and cod-philosophical, there...]
18. When a female [chinchilla?] says, “It’s not you, it’s me,” the translation is, “It’s all your fault, I am perfect and benevolent.” [When a woman says something, the Nice Guy will hear what he wants to. And it will be shoved into the pre-existing concept of his wounded perfection, benevolence and overwhelming 'niceness'.]
19. When unsure about the status of a relationship once called “friends with benefits,” [Whoa, what happened to being romantic? And being all wounded when the "innocent lamb" turned into the Tasmanian Devil and ate all your friends?] you are “an item,” bound to your feminine taskmaster. There is no escape from the short end of the stick. [Not if you keep poking yourself with it, no.]
20. When armed with the knowledge of an annoyance, she will transform into a shark [Those shapeshifting abilities are getting quite a work out!] on the trail of blood, increasing the action by a factor of five [There's a scale for these things? How do you measure? Where can I get a copy of this scale?] at least.
21. Confidentiality does not exist. [Yes it does, ask any doctor. Oh, you mean with women... Still wrong.]
22. From the red lips of a woman, “I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again,” means, “Fuck you. I still want you as my puppet. I’ll do it again if I want to.” [But only if wearing red lipstick, apparently.]
23. If the female knows that she has committed a heinous act, she will indefinitely perform a transaction of blame [Sounds like a nifty trick, that. If someone can explain how one transacts blame, indefinitely or otherwise, there's a very special prize for you!] from her shoulders to yours.
24. Females claim that size doesn’t matter. The discouraging truth is that it does. [I'm not sure what female tree frogs have to say on the matter, but when women say that size doesn't matter, they usually mean it. What does matter, however, is that you do more with it than present it, erect, and expect the other party to fall in a rapturous heap and worship it in all it's orgasmic glory. While you stand/lie there doing sweet fuck all.]
25. Often times, extremely hot girls will hook up with unanimously [Someone can spell big, fancy, interlecshual words, but sadly, isn't familiar with common usage. (See also: indefinite transactions of blame. I'm still confused.)] ugly guys. Claiming she “Likes them for their personalities,” she is actually performing said acts in an attempt to falsely retain the perception of not being superficial. [Pot paging kettle... Also, these girls/women judged to be hot, so therefore the must be superficial? Sweetheart, beauty AND brains. It happens.]
26. When cornered into a situation in which the female has no other party to blame, she will instantly use her menstrual cycle as the “patsy.” Such an act can be referred to as P.M.S.: Pussy-Minded Scapegoating. ["Who ate the last of the peanut butter and put the empty jar back in the cupboard?" "... my menstrual cycle?" So if women have Premenstrual Syndrome to blame for everything, what's your excuse, mister?]
27. In response to the age-old question, “Who is prettier?” there is no correct answer. You will get a kick in the nads either way. [Just the same as "Is he better in bed than me?", really... because if you say "You are", he'll still ask another bajillion times anyway.]
28. The choice between “friends with benefits” and “going out” is no choice at all. She will plague you with her jealousy no matter what you choose. [Says Mr. 'SheGotWithAllMyFriendsPoorMePoorMePoorMe']
29. Guilt is a useful tool in the intricate arsenal of the female’s [Robin? Guinea Pig?] sadistic mind. The female [Marsh Warbler?] will use said “instrument of doom” to coax and coerce you into buying/doing things for her. [Unlike the male human, of a certain variety, who will use guilt you into taking all your clothes of and having sex when you don't want to, after sulking like an immature 33 year old when you said 'No.' Bitter? Nah, unsweeted, mate.]
30. Girls don't masturbate…bull-fucking shit!!! [Yeah, ok, you got something right at last. But given that the pornified rape culture we live in says that women are the guardians of purity and sexuality is really only a male thing and only something women do to satisfy men's animalistic sexual urges, masturbation is rarely presented as something women do, especially if they aren't 'slutty'.]
31. Girls will never attend a cinematic production [If you're going to drag a girl/woman to the whole production of a movie, what do you expect?] of the male's choosing, yet they fully expect you, the payer of the date, to sit through three grueling hours of chick flicks. [It might feel like three hours, but I assure you, it's only 90 minutes. The lack of decent plot can make it seem longer, sure, but if it's a choice (FOR A ROMANTIC DATE, NO LESS!!!) between Saw XXVIII or wherever they've spun out the gore to and Jennifer Aniston's latest romantic comedy and you want theshitgorefest, you're probably not really dating material. Learn some social niceities and come back in, oh, I dunno, 187 years?]
32. Females constantly flaunt their sexuality via lavishly revealing, enticing, and/or tight clothes [The 'and/or' is of pivotal import, here. Clothes can be lavishly (?) revealing or tight or enticing, obviously. So a woman in a burka is flaunting her sexuality?] They, however, abhor the fact that the prone male takes notice.[Yeah, we don't like it when guys lie on the ground to look up our skirts. Or burkas.]
33. Females claim to have equal rights. [Oh, if only we did, but you're right on this one too...] They take this equality to such extremes that they themselves become "equaler" then the male gender. [Strong women are obiously threatening to this guy. Yawn.]
34. Women claim that all men are chauvinist pigs, however that is…oh wait, we [No, I think you'll find it's YOU.] are writing this manifesto. There are others out there (somewhere…) who do not share in out beliefs [What are 'in out beliefs'? Ah, maybe I shouldn't ask...]
35. Women often say that they are the sole reason for life on Earth…They are only ½. The male seed is also necessary to play the glorious role of creating life. [I wouldn't call a moment's ejaculation "glorious", in terms of creating life, certainly compared with turning over one's body to the nurturing and nourishment of the fetus to one's potential physical detriment for approx. 40 weeks and then the effort of getting the baby out of one's body, either through 10cm of cervix or major surgery after possible hours and hours of labouring. And then being left to look after the baby for the next however many years by some dipshit who thinks that his task was done before he fell asleep after 5 minutes of getting his jollies.]
36. Females often complain about the no-doubt agonizing process of childbirth. They haven't, however, been exposed to the excruciating pain of being struck in the testicles. Suck it up bitches. [OK, how about every woman you've ever met, starting with your mother, comes round and kicks you in the testicles, repeatedly, for a minimum of 5 hours? Labour can last for days, you know. And then, just when you think it's done, a tennis ball will be shoved up your uretha. Suck it up, dawg.]
37. Women suck fucking shit. [You really need to be more scrupulous with your personal hygiene.]
38. If Dr. Phil thinks that men are so incredibly evil, let's cut his fucking dick off. [Nah, how about yours? Doesn't sound like you do much with it, other than pissing into the wind, then cursing the weather.]
39. Once you have plummeted into the horrific torture cell that is marriage, your "equal partner" will be in a perpetual state of paranoia based on the false assumption of infidelity. [If the relationship was that bad, why the hell did you get married? And, looking at the next manifesto point, is it really a false assumption?]
40. Many women exist as "cock teases." They suck balls, but they don't suck balls, which totally sucks balls. [Hey, I thought you were married? Why are you trying to coerce other women into performing sexual acts?]
41. When pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship, proceed with caution. The female will expect, or rather demand, that you spend every waking moment at her feet. [Sounds like it's where you belong. Now, go on! Fetch me my slippers! Good boy!]
42. To gain your attention and affection, the female will often boast of previous sexual conquests in an attempt to seize the interest of the vulnerable male (i.e. you.) [Nothing to do with you wanting to prove your masculinity? Or pretneding to be a shy virgin or something?]
43. Homosexuality is attractive to women. [Yeah, they're pretty much the only unrelated men we can rely on to not be trying to look down our shirts while we're talking and they tend not to try to get us drunk so they can get us into bed when we've got alcohol poisoning. Funny, that.] However, when you specifically attempt to get in touch with your feminine side, they find it strange and unusual. Shortly thereafter, they will cease all contact with you. [Finding out you were pretending to be gay just to get someone into bed will cause that!]
44. When a male puts his hand down his pants to touché himself [When he does what to himself?? Hit his own genitals with a sabre or other fencing weapon? Guys do that?!?], the female finds it to be grotesquely repulsive. There is no rhyme or reason to this point. It is a fundamental law. [Yeah, well, if you're gonna wank while you're walking down the street or on the bus or whatever, YEAH. And such stuff is actually against the public deceny and sexual harassment laws!]
45. The "magic wand" that opens the door to a female's sex drive is a guitar. [Actually, no, I think you'll find that that's a Rampant Rabbit... With you a minimum of 10 miles away.]
46. If a female is holding a grudge against you for any reason, she will disregard all manners and proper etiquette and flat out reject a gift offered by your seriously sorry self. [Where does it say in manners in etiquette that one must always accept unwanted gifts? Also, a sincere apology usually works out much better, but you can't just buy that in a store.]
47. Should a male and female be involved in a disagreement, the female's entourage will prevent any attempt at apology by butting in and sassily screaming, "She doesn't want to talk to you…GO SIT DOWN!!!" [If her friend's screaming in your face, you've REALLY fucked up. And you need to give her her space. Which coincidentally leads on to....]
48. Guy: "I need more space for a while"
Females reaction: "I don't care if I'm getting on your nerves, I'm going to hang out with you more." [Happening to be already at the places you go to hang out (because she might be there) doesn't count, yanno.]
49. Baruch shelo esani [*cough* I hate to be a pissy grammatical Gentile, but it's 'asani'.] isha
Translation: Blessed are you who didn't make me a woman. [And it basically means 'Thanks for making me a man so I can worship you more, apparently.]
50. In retrospect, we have come to discover that the female [Sea eagle? Seriously, what species are you meaning? Cockroach? Head louse? Threadworm???] is a sadistic being sent to ruin our lives. Using the 49 articles previously outlined, women will deceive and control the male mind. [because men have no self-control, obvs] The only prevention to this unfair tragedy is ceasing all contact with women. [Is this a call for a gay separatist movement?] Because this is impossible [Oh no, it's not. A call for a gay seperatist movement, that is. But I'm sure this guy is well on his way to no contact with any woman ever again!], we [is that the royal 'we'?] wish you the best of luck in your hopeless quest to meet the "perfect woman."
The end bitches!!! [for the love of all that is even faintly holy in this and all other worlds, thank Hello Kitty!]
Men are from Mars, Women are from Hell [It is his mantra. Not great for meditation though.]
The XX Manifesto [Not MANifesto? Ah well.]
1. Any of three females will set out on a mischievous task after meeting you. The tasks make you fall in love helplessly with them. It’s all a game. [Guess who met 3 girls/women at camp, and fancied all three. The 'game' they 'played'? Most likely, just being themselves.]
2. Given the opportunity, a female will not hesitate to turn into a weasel [Wow! They shapeshift?] in a shameful attempt to cover her own follies. [Whereas, writing an Urban Dictionary entry with your 'manifesto' is entirely morally upstanding and the proper thing to do!]
3. edited [I wonder what it said? Who edited? Was it forced? Was it too much 'truth' for teh internets?]
4. In the event that your best friends meet your new-found “goddess", beware [Oh yes, better beware!]. For she will promptly transform into the puppeteer [gosh, she really is omnipotent], making your friends mindless drones functioning solely based on libido [See? Teh wimminz, abusing their power of... um...?]. (See #16-The Grand Inquisitor) [The KKK get involved later? My eyebrow, it is raised.]
5. A female [Cheetah? Gazelle? Oryx? Platypus?] will rarely present a statement free of bias [Yeah, most of their statements are inherently biased towards survival. *the sound of my sides starting the split* Oh, the unintentional irony! It stings!]. Opinion will always creep into her explanation of everything. [*sounds of further side-rending*]
6. edited [Dammit! The Man is keeping the truth down!]
7. Put in a new situation (i.e. camp) [Not at all alluding to a certain set of circumstances in anyway. It's just an example. Right?] in which other friends have been involved for several years, the “newbie bitch” [Quite the graduation, no? From 'female' to "newbie bitch" in one Manifesto point!] will immediately assume she has the right to annihilate any and all bonds previously created. [Or maybe your 'friends' didn't like you *that* much, huh?]
8. Shortly thereafter, said “newbie bitch” will deface male property [Your guess is as good as mine, but it could be that she dared to write on a piece of paper (everything is male property, after all) or in her diary (remember, the other books that came out of this camp?) that she fancied this other guy?] under the false pretense of superior ownership. [Imagine that! A woman daring to believe herself superior to this fine specimen of masculinity!]
9. In the event that you become warped into a scapegoat [He's warped, alright. His word, not mine!], the female’s once affectionate family [He met the family?] will lose any and all respect, care, and compassion towards you. [They'll do that if you treat their daughter like shit. Funny, that.]
10. When you get romantically involved with an “innocent lamb,” [Now, did she know they were "romantically involved?"] she will turn into a vicious Tasmanian devil that will devour all of your friends. [Must've been carnage, a bloody mess... And again, are you sure they're your friends?]
11. edited [Awwww, not again. Enquiring minds need to know what pearls of wisdom dropped from this pig!]
12. Once the female [Seriously, are we talking about a person here? Or what?] becomes sexually intimate with the “weak link” [Way to talk about someone you call a friend, eh?] all pride resulting from previous encounters is instantly nullified. [Better sand out all those bedpost notches then...Oh, hang on, he's talking about meaningful and heartfelt glances and silent exchanges between them, and all those times he was the Nice Guy]
13. At social engagements when the female is around new company, prepare for the worst. She will heartlessly and cruelly use her “innocence” as a tool to further distance you from fading comrades. [Because it's a war! A war in which men are communists! And women are Tasmanian Devils FROM HELL!!!!11!!111!!! And by 'tool', he means 'weapon'. Obviously.]
14. The female deceives through usefully speaking euphemisms such as “I love you” and “you will be my best friend if…” Consequently, you are helpless and your actions are beyond your own consciousness. [BEHOLD THE POWER! Who knew that saying such things as "I love you" and "You'll be my best friend if..." meant you took control of other people's minds! Careful who says such things to you, you may find yourself doing things that you NEVER would otherwise. Such as eating live baby chicks, or jumping down the middle of the road, naked on a pogo stick, in the middle of rush hour. Singing the assorted hits of Iron Maiden.]
15. Hypocrisy: Male-dependant feminism. [See, for feminism to work and achieve it's aims (total equality across the genders) men have to get involved. How is that hypocritical? Explain it to me. Oh. We've going with short, sweet and inscrutable...]
16. In the event the bitch corners you and your friends, she will stop at nothing to obtain any information she deems useful and/or entertaining. In this state, the bitch can be commonly referred to as “The Grand Inquisitor.” [Here's the KKK! As a female dog. Do they make dog-sized hoods? Actually, forget that, I don't want to know.]
17. Corruption of innocence is in the eye of the beholder. [So... You're the corrupter of innocence? Or it's only your perception? Short, sweet and cod-philosophical, there...]
18. When a female [chinchilla?] says, “It’s not you, it’s me,” the translation is, “It’s all your fault, I am perfect and benevolent.” [When a woman says something, the Nice Guy will hear what he wants to. And it will be shoved into the pre-existing concept of his wounded perfection, benevolence and overwhelming 'niceness'.]
19. When unsure about the status of a relationship once called “friends with benefits,” [Whoa, what happened to being romantic? And being all wounded when the "innocent lamb" turned into the Tasmanian Devil and ate all your friends?] you are “an item,” bound to your feminine taskmaster. There is no escape from the short end of the stick. [Not if you keep poking yourself with it, no.]
20. When armed with the knowledge of an annoyance, she will transform into a shark [Those shapeshifting abilities are getting quite a work out!] on the trail of blood, increasing the action by a factor of five [There's a scale for these things? How do you measure? Where can I get a copy of this scale?] at least.
21. Confidentiality does not exist. [Yes it does, ask any doctor. Oh, you mean with women... Still wrong.]
22. From the red lips of a woman, “I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again,” means, “Fuck you. I still want you as my puppet. I’ll do it again if I want to.” [But only if wearing red lipstick, apparently.]
23. If the female knows that she has committed a heinous act, she will indefinitely perform a transaction of blame [Sounds like a nifty trick, that. If someone can explain how one transacts blame, indefinitely or otherwise, there's a very special prize for you!] from her shoulders to yours.
24. Females claim that size doesn’t matter. The discouraging truth is that it does. [I'm not sure what female tree frogs have to say on the matter, but when women say that size doesn't matter, they usually mean it. What does matter, however, is that you do more with it than present it, erect, and expect the other party to fall in a rapturous heap and worship it in all it's orgasmic glory. While you stand/lie there doing sweet fuck all.]
25. Often times, extremely hot girls will hook up with unanimously [Someone can spell big, fancy, interlecshual words, but sadly, isn't familiar with common usage. (See also: indefinite transactions of blame. I'm still confused.)] ugly guys. Claiming she “Likes them for their personalities,” she is actually performing said acts in an attempt to falsely retain the perception of not being superficial. [Pot paging kettle... Also, these girls/women judged to be hot, so therefore the must be superficial? Sweetheart, beauty AND brains. It happens.]
26. When cornered into a situation in which the female has no other party to blame, she will instantly use her menstrual cycle as the “patsy.” Such an act can be referred to as P.M.S.: Pussy-Minded Scapegoating. ["Who ate the last of the peanut butter and put the empty jar back in the cupboard?" "... my menstrual cycle?" So if women have Premenstrual Syndrome to blame for everything, what's your excuse, mister?]
27. In response to the age-old question, “Who is prettier?” there is no correct answer. You will get a kick in the nads either way. [Just the same as "Is he better in bed than me?", really... because if you say "You are", he'll still ask another bajillion times anyway.]
28. The choice between “friends with benefits” and “going out” is no choice at all. She will plague you with her jealousy no matter what you choose. [Says Mr. 'SheGotWithAllMyFriendsPoorMePoorMePoorMe']
29. Guilt is a useful tool in the intricate arsenal of the female’s [Robin? Guinea Pig?] sadistic mind. The female [Marsh Warbler?] will use said “instrument of doom” to coax and coerce you into buying/doing things for her. [Unlike the male human, of a certain variety, who will use guilt you into taking all your clothes of and having sex when you don't want to, after sulking like an immature 33 year old when you said 'No.' Bitter? Nah, unsweeted, mate.]
30. Girls don't masturbate…bull-fucking shit!!! [Yeah, ok, you got something right at last. But given that the pornified rape culture we live in says that women are the guardians of purity and sexuality is really only a male thing and only something women do to satisfy men's animalistic sexual urges, masturbation is rarely presented as something women do, especially if they aren't 'slutty'.]
31. Girls will never attend a cinematic production [If you're going to drag a girl/woman to the whole production of a movie, what do you expect?] of the male's choosing, yet they fully expect you, the payer of the date, to sit through three grueling hours of chick flicks. [It might feel like three hours, but I assure you, it's only 90 minutes. The lack of decent plot can make it seem longer, sure, but if it's a choice (FOR A ROMANTIC DATE, NO LESS!!!) between Saw XXVIII or wherever they've spun out the gore to and Jennifer Aniston's latest romantic comedy and you want the
32. Females constantly flaunt their sexuality via lavishly revealing, enticing, and/or tight clothes [The 'and/or' is of pivotal import, here. Clothes can be lavishly (?) revealing or tight or enticing, obviously. So a woman in a burka is flaunting her sexuality?] They, however, abhor the fact that the prone male takes notice.[Yeah, we don't like it when guys lie on the ground to look up our skirts. Or burkas.]
33. Females claim to have equal rights. [Oh, if only we did, but you're right on this one too...] They take this equality to such extremes that they themselves become "equaler" then the male gender. [Strong women are obiously threatening to this guy. Yawn.]
34. Women claim that all men are chauvinist pigs, however that is…oh wait, we [No, I think you'll find it's YOU.] are writing this manifesto. There are others out there (somewhere…) who do not share in out beliefs [What are 'in out beliefs'? Ah, maybe I shouldn't ask...]
35. Women often say that they are the sole reason for life on Earth…They are only ½. The male seed is also necessary to play the glorious role of creating life. [I wouldn't call a moment's ejaculation "glorious", in terms of creating life, certainly compared with turning over one's body to the nurturing and nourishment of the fetus to one's potential physical detriment for approx. 40 weeks and then the effort of getting the baby out of one's body, either through 10cm of cervix or major surgery after possible hours and hours of labouring. And then being left to look after the baby for the next however many years by some dipshit who thinks that his task was done before he fell asleep after 5 minutes of getting his jollies.]
36. Females often complain about the no-doubt agonizing process of childbirth. They haven't, however, been exposed to the excruciating pain of being struck in the testicles. Suck it up bitches. [OK, how about every woman you've ever met, starting with your mother, comes round and kicks you in the testicles, repeatedly, for a minimum of 5 hours? Labour can last for days, you know. And then, just when you think it's done, a tennis ball will be shoved up your uretha. Suck it up, dawg.]
37. Women suck fucking shit. [You really need to be more scrupulous with your personal hygiene.]
38. If Dr. Phil thinks that men are so incredibly evil, let's cut his fucking dick off. [Nah, how about yours? Doesn't sound like you do much with it, other than pissing into the wind, then cursing the weather.]
39. Once you have plummeted into the horrific torture cell that is marriage, your "equal partner" will be in a perpetual state of paranoia based on the false assumption of infidelity. [If the relationship was that bad, why the hell did you get married? And, looking at the next manifesto point, is it really a false assumption?]
40. Many women exist as "cock teases." They suck balls, but they don't suck balls, which totally sucks balls. [Hey, I thought you were married? Why are you trying to coerce other women into performing sexual acts?]
41. When pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship, proceed with caution. The female will expect, or rather demand, that you spend every waking moment at her feet. [Sounds like it's where you belong. Now, go on! Fetch me my slippers! Good boy!]
42. To gain your attention and affection, the female will often boast of previous sexual conquests in an attempt to seize the interest of the vulnerable male (i.e. you.) [Nothing to do with you wanting to prove your masculinity? Or pretneding to be a shy virgin or something?]
43. Homosexuality is attractive to women. [Yeah, they're pretty much the only unrelated men we can rely on to not be trying to look down our shirts while we're talking and they tend not to try to get us drunk so they can get us into bed when we've got alcohol poisoning. Funny, that.] However, when you specifically attempt to get in touch with your feminine side, they find it strange and unusual. Shortly thereafter, they will cease all contact with you. [Finding out you were pretending to be gay just to get someone into bed will cause that!]
44. When a male puts his hand down his pants to touché himself [When he does what to himself?? Hit his own genitals with a sabre or other fencing weapon? Guys do that?!?], the female finds it to be grotesquely repulsive. There is no rhyme or reason to this point. It is a fundamental law. [Yeah, well, if you're gonna wank while you're walking down the street or on the bus or whatever, YEAH. And such stuff is actually against the public deceny and sexual harassment laws!]
45. The "magic wand" that opens the door to a female's sex drive is a guitar. [Actually, no, I think you'll find that that's a Rampant Rabbit... With you a minimum of 10 miles away.]
46. If a female is holding a grudge against you for any reason, she will disregard all manners and proper etiquette and flat out reject a gift offered by your seriously sorry self. [Where does it say in manners in etiquette that one must always accept unwanted gifts? Also, a sincere apology usually works out much better, but you can't just buy that in a store.]
47. Should a male and female be involved in a disagreement, the female's entourage will prevent any attempt at apology by butting in and sassily screaming, "She doesn't want to talk to you…GO SIT DOWN!!!" [If her friend's screaming in your face, you've REALLY fucked up. And you need to give her her space. Which coincidentally leads on to....]
48. Guy: "I need more space for a while"
Females reaction: "I don't care if I'm getting on your nerves, I'm going to hang out with you more." [Happening to be already at the places you go to hang out (because she might be there) doesn't count, yanno.]
49. Baruch shelo esani [*cough* I hate to be a pissy grammatical Gentile, but it's 'asani'.] isha
Translation: Blessed are you who didn't make me a woman. [And it basically means 'Thanks for making me a man so I can worship you more, apparently.]
50. In retrospect, we have come to discover that the female [Sea eagle? Seriously, what species are you meaning? Cockroach? Head louse? Threadworm???] is a sadistic being sent to ruin our lives. Using the 49 articles previously outlined, women will deceive and control the male mind. [because men have no self-control, obvs] The only prevention to this unfair tragedy is ceasing all contact with women. [Is this a call for a gay separatist movement?] Because this is impossible [Oh no, it's not. A call for a gay seperatist movement, that is. But I'm sure this guy is well on his way to no contact with any woman ever again!], we [is that the royal 'we'?] wish you the best of luck in your hopeless quest to meet the "perfect woman."
The end bitches!!! [for the love of all that is even faintly holy in this and all other worlds, thank Hello Kitty!]
The XX-MANAFESTO is god. [Oh, you'd better go and perform a whole bunch of mitzvots now, or god'll be really pissed off at you, worshipping false idols and the like. In the meantime... Nurse! Make haste with the side-reseaming equipment!]
Gotta love the internets.
*I'll use 'white' as shorthand for the indication of the wide variety of privileges enjoyed by white men who are also heterosexual, cis-gendered, able-bodied (and yet, so often unhealthy) and so on. Look up kyriarchy for more.)
Saw this and thought of you...
